Udonis Haslem Should Have a Spot on the Heat Roster as Long as He Wants It

The last time there was a Miami Heat roster that did not include Udonis Haslem was 2002. According to various reports, 2018 will not be the year that impressive streak is broken. All signs point to the Heat and Haslem settling on a deal that will keep the Heat’s longest-tenured player in uniform for at least one more season…

Miami Gardens Cop Accused of Racism Sues for Anti-White “Discrimination”

Another day, another South Florida cop suing his department because he feels persecuted for being white. Poor guy. In the latest case filed in Miami-Dade court last week, Miami Gardens Police Officer William Dunaske sued the force for “anti-white” harassment. The twist: Dunaske has repeatedly been accused of racism and abuse, and he filed the suit after a fight over why he had named his dog after a black officer in the department.

Here’s Every Hilariously Dumb Jeff Greene Gubernatorial Scandal So Far

Florida, Jeff Greene wants to be your next governor. This will perhaps be a difficult accomplishment for Greene, because, and this is key, he appears to be a massive idiot. A huge, honking stooge. Just a grade-A fool-boy. Despite being a billionaire, or perhaps due to the fact that he is filthy rich, Greene appears to have legit zero idea…

Ron DeSantis’ PAC Just Took $100K From ICE’s Top Contractor, GEO Group

Boca Raton’s private-prison juggernaut, the GEO Group, makes more money from Immigration and Customs Enforcement contracts than any other company in America. The company has been repeatedly sued for allegedly forcing immigrant detainees to work for food and itself has threatened to sue critics for protesting the company. Earlier this month, a fringe white-supremacist group, Identity Evropa, showed up at an ICE facility in Colorado and handed the workers there a thank-you card and gift basket.

Joe Carollo Accused of Slapping Ball & Chain Owner With False Complaints

There’s good reason Miami’s former mayor earned the nickname “Crazy Joe” Carollo. So when voters elected him to the city commission last fall, it’s no surprise he brought that gravitational mass of insanity back to Dinner Key. Now Carollo is allegedly harassing his enemies in parking lots at 1:30 in the morning and yelling, “I am the law!” when confronted. Good job, everyone!

Miami-Dade’s Fifth Medical Marijuana Dispensary Opening in Dadeland

Medical pot is on the rise in Florida. Since voters legalized medical marijuana and low-THC cannabis in the November 2016 general election, Florida has added 144,557 patients to the Office of Medical Marijuana Use’s user registry, according to the Department of Health’s latest update. For a state with a population of 21 million, about one in 145 Floridians can legally use medical weed.

If This Miami MLS Logo Is Real, David Beckham Finally Did Something Right

David Beckham’s quest to bring a Major League Soccer team to Miami has so far run as smoothly as Daphne Campbell’s campaign to return to the Florida Senate. Beckham and his partners have spent so long fumbling between various stadium schemes that it takes the kind of faith usually found only in remote Benedictine monasteries to believe his franchise will ever take the field in South Florida.

Five Kinds of University of Miami Hurricanes Fans

Unlike the NFL, college ball has no preseason appetizer to holds fans over until the football is real. Instead of getting a quarter-season of fake games like in the NFL, the best college fans get are a few sparse clips on Twitter of their favorite school’s team half-assing a practice in shorts before the season opener.

Colombian Anti-Corruption Head Pleads Guilty to Taking Bribe at Dolphin Mall

Bribing the head of an entire nation’s anti-corruption task force is apparently cheaper and way less glamorous than you might think. Luis Gustavo Moreno Rivera, who was the director of Colombia’s Office of Anti-Corruption, admitted in court today that he could be bought with about $132,000 and that he’d taken a portion of that money inside a bathroom at Miami’s Dolphin Mall.

Miami’s Worst Candidate Releases World’s Best Campaign Ad

Daphne Campbell is the worst candidate on this month’s primary ballot. She lies about basically everything: her dead mother, her liens, her debts to the federal government, and the cash a lobbyist stuffed into her purse on camera. When reporters question her about these lies, she either pretends she’s not Daphne Campbell or calls the cops.

Microsoft Worker From FIU Gets Jail Time for Fake FBI Ransomware Attacks

Raymond Odigie Uadiale, age 41, is great with computers. Good enough to be hired by Microsoft as a network engineer. And good enough, according to the feds, to run a virus scamming ring that seized computers via a fake warning from the Federal Bureau of Investigation, charged people a $200 “fine” to unlock their desktops, and warned users they might be sent to prison if they didn’t pay up.

An 11-Year-Old Hacker Needed Just Ten Minutes to Change Florida’s Election Results

In 2014, Russian hackers nearly wreaked havoc on Ukraine’s presidential elections. Their plan: Sneak into the country’s election website to make it look like an ultra-right-winger had won with 37 percent of the vote, when in reality he’d received barely 1 percent. That plan was foiled at the last minute, but a similar disinformation campaign might be way too easy to pull off in Florida.