Keep New Times Free

The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode Three: Joanna Krupa Gets White-Girl Wasted

If Bravo wanted to lure in straight male viewers to Real Housewives of Miami, they did a pretty good job Thursday night. We think capturing a lingerie-wearing Joanna Krupa in bed will always do the trick.

See also:
- Joanna Krupa: "Where's the Vodka?"
- Last week's RHOM recap

We then go from disrobed Krupa to Dr. Karent Sierra. Every time we see the doctor, we want to burn her house down. No, not because we enjoy playing with fire (those days ended years ago), but because we wonder what her reaction would be. Would she finally stop smiling? Because on this show, she is literally never not smiling. Her boyfriend might be cheating? Looking thrilled. Her boyfriend suggests a harem? Grinning from ear to ear. If you remember last week, she was showing those pearly whites even through tears. Girl, you need to stop. Your cheeks are exhausted.

Then, over to Casa de Boob God. Lisa Hochstein's life is pretty interesting. It's like watching a Japanese sex doll come to life. But The Hoch and her jugs aren't the real stars there; her housekeeper Daysy is. And not just her; all of these wives have a pretty great staff. So great in fact, we are almost positive Andy Cohen is currently planning their spinoff. First, there is Daysy who essentially gets paid to hang out with her boss. Then, over at Lea's house, Freda is living a life of luxury we can only dream of. Elsa's has a maid too, and though we don't know her name and she's been on just one episode, she's clearly a star. You know that gal has some stories.

The wives met up at Lea's mega-mansion to talk about who could volunteer for Lea's annual Black Gala. Then, our favorite honorary housewife in drag, Elaine Lancaster, shows up, all dressed in her show clothes, naturally. (For a charity meeting? Really?) As they all begin to discuss how they could contribute, Elaine proudly announces, "I couldn't walk the red carpet last year. Marysol wouldn't let me."

And then, it was time to celebrate clubs. If anything good has happened to Mynt in the last ten years, it's this show. The ladies graced the club's anniversary celebration with characteristic class, aka lots of drunken drama. Thank God for that.

Before the ladies even hit the town, there is some smack talk. First, we learn that Joanna's sister used to date the DJ at Mynt. They broke up because he cheated. Dating a DJ never goes well, let's be honest.

I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Then, Lisa proudly announces that Elsa's face ain't looking so good. Back up off our Mama Elsa, okay, woman? As a half-human, half-mannequin hybrid, you don't really have room to talk about other people's freaky surgeries.

Then, they head to Mynt. There was red carpet, go-go dancers, and free-flowing vodka -- just how Joanna likes it. As the evening begins, Marysol and Elaine attempt to kiss and make up. That all seems to go well, but we know that will last about as long as their hangovers. As the night progresses, more and more shots are poured. This leads to a full-blown breakdown from Joanna to Romain, all because DJ the Douche is spinning. What lead to the tears? We don't know and neither did anyone else. (Hint: vodka.)

If this episode did anything, it showed the ladies of Miami that even one of America's top models gets a little drunk and messy from time to time. The only downside is that she still looked fabulous the whole time.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.