For men, crying is an activity best performed after a death, a championship loss, or in the shower listening to Dido after learning the Arrested Development movie is a no-go. Prior to the pussification of the West, which began mere minutes after whatever Mad Men's cancellation date is set as, boys were brought up being taught that crying is the domain of women and Native Americans. However, now we know better. We know that crying is a good way to balance the shame caused by masturbation.
Many movies contain sad scenes or are even based on an entire premise that can make a man shed some tears. When Goose dies in Top Gun, taking Anthony Edwards's hairline with him, men were inconsolable for a while. Then in Rudy, when Rudy got to play, onions were being sliced indiscriminately. Bambi! Simba! Ugh. So, yes, plenty of sad movies exist, but we're picking the best. The following six movies will make it rain on your face, but they also happen to be very good films.
Warning: This shit contains an obscene amount of spoilers. Like, Bruce-Willis-being-dead-the-whole-time obscene.
6. Life Is Beautiful
Even though Mahmoud Ahmedinejad denies the Holocaust ever occurred, we appreciate Roberto Benigni taking the apparently fictional ball and rolling with it. The scene near the end where he mock-marches to his own death just to keep the whole charade up for his son is beyond heartbreaking. (This isn't even that big of a spoiler; it's a Holocaust movie, come on.)
Watching the scene out of context on its own wouldn't do it justice. It's the entire buildup to watching how a man goes through hell and back to hide the evils of mankind from his innocent son and having it culminate in a moment where he was so damn close to pulling it off. It'll basically leave you a sobbing wreck.
5. Wall-E
You think this is the only Pixar film on this list? You better think again. Wall-E's crying game is triggered from both happiness and sadness. Personifying the loneliest robot on the planet, a robot that would be huggable if it weren't for the high likelihood of contracting tetanus, is something Pixar makes look easy. His innocence, perseverance, and undying instant robo-love for EVE set us all up with the giggly goosebumps throughout the film. Without that setup, the ending's payoff wouldn't be as strong.
Then he gets his memory wiped out. At this point, 90 percent of women are crying. EVE
is distraught and Wall-E is oblivious. Finally, in a totally cliché moment that feels not-at-all cliché while you're watching, EVE's kiss causes a spark that reboot's Wall-E's memory. Manly tears everywhere.
4. Big Fish
Once again, it's the damn ending that puffs up our eyeballs. The interaction between Albert Finney and Billy Crudup's characters on the former's deathbed really plays a father-son relationship close to the heart. The son finally understands why his father is such a goddamn storyteller -- not because he was a liar, but because stories are a way to leave an undying legacy behind.
And you're like, "That's cool, I can handle that." Then the dad dies, as expected, but not before he was able to make a breakthrough with his son. Finally, you discover all those crazy-ass stories were true, albeit slightly embellished.
3. Up
Damn it, Pixar, what the hell? When you showed us the trailers, we were like, "Ha-ha-ha, hilarious, a grumpy old man, a fat Boy Scout, a flying house, and talking dogs! This is going to be HILARIOUS!" Then you give us an opening so sad it made Michael Jackson kill himself a few weeks later. No one expected such an emotionally heavy introduction right off the bat like that. Not long after, the movie proceeds with its charming Pixar style, and in some situations tears of joy can be found. Sadness ain't the only thing that can make a man cry, which brings us to our next flick.
2. Toy Story 3
Nostalgia. A lot of us grew up with Andy. Most of us grew up with toys and could attach sentiments to Woody, Buzz, and the rest of the gang as replacements for the toys we had. We could feel the loss and the happiness when Andy gave his toys to the little girl who was as adorable as a puppy licking a kitten's face. But it also transcends that, because Toy Story 3 touched on a theme that we all fear: having those we care for the most neglect us. It's quite a powerful movie, really, and the best one of the trilogy. That's saying a lot, because the first two were amazing.
Let's also not forget the incinerator scene. Lotso, the primary antagonist of the film, solidified himself as a grade-A asshole at the level of whatever label signed Creed to a record deal.
1. Grave of the Fireflies
"WTF is it about cartoons that makes guys cry so hard?" How about you shut the fuck up? This movie is ridiculously sad and relatively unknown in the United States, and the fact that it's a true story makes it hurt the soul even more. It's a Japanese animated film centered on two siblings during World War II and their futile struggle for survival. Their mother? Dead. Their father? A possibly dead soldier.
Everything that happens throughout that emotional molestation will leave you borderline-depressed for days after watching it. If you've recently lost a loved one, go ahead and get one of those Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind procedures done on you to erase the name of this movie from your memory. Oh God, that movie was sad too. WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?
The only thing that could possibly make a human being cry harder than Grave of the Fireflies is hearing the words "and the Oscar goes to Kanye West in The Passion of the Christ 2: The Return."
Time to watch cute kitty videos on YouTube.
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