When Real Housewives of Miami began, we wanted it to be good, sure. But really, we just didn't want these bitches embarrassing our city again.
Well, gals, you didn't. You made us proud in the most hot mess of ways.
After a season filled with sex, slaps, Spanish and everything in between, Andy Cohen brought us all the wives to New York City for the reunion. Just in case you missed it, you should be pissed at yourself. Even Lindsay Lohan found the time to stop cutting up her coc and watch.
You should also check out our ten favorite moments of the evening:
10. The Venue
Where the reunion took place deserves a shout out. Can we all remember the season one reunion where it took place on Watch What Happens Live in a 30-minute segment? Lets not forget he squeezed their asses into a love seat because he was dying to have them in and out. Season two, he put those bitches on a plane and flew them up to New York to some swanky location. Talk about moving on up.
9. Fancy Pants
On the note that Miami housewives are no longer the ugly stepchildren of Bravo, our mamacitas were looking pretty to-die this evening. In any reunion, there is usually one broad looking like an out-of-work drag queen. But for the ladies of the 305, the worst that we could say is that Ana was showing a little too much mom boob and Karent stole her dress off the set of Golden Girls. See? Not too bad.
8. Lea Looses It
From moment one, Lea Black needed you to know she was present at the reunion. Just in case you forgot, whenever speaking, she would stand and yell her opinion at you. Ana was calling her old most of the time and perhaps she is right. It was as if she has lost her hearing and screaming was helping her to be part of the conversation. (Much like my Nana did at Christmas dinner, just saying.) Oh and don't forget she has $25 million earrings on.
7. Adriana vs. Joanna
Oh, the good ole days. We ended episode 15 with all of the lades loving life and each other. That was essentially, how do we say this? A hunk of shit. It seems that they all hate each other, but it all comes down to two wars: Adriana vs. Joanna and Ana vs. Lea. Lets leave the latter for later. The slap heard around the world for these two imported beauties was just the beginning. What reheated all the bullshit? Really, we aren't sure. But Adriana thinks Joanna is a slut and Joanna wants to beat the tweet right off Adriana's face. Oh and where do we begin with Ms. De Moura's terrible trucker mouth? The man behind the bleep button was put to work that evening.
6. The Tales of Twitter
"She beat me to the tweet!" Didn't think that obnoxious phrase would come back? Well, it did! The infamous incident where Karent beat out Adriana to a tweet during Art Basel 2011 that was annoying to watch is now a phrase on a T-shirt you can buy at the Bravo store. Thanks Andy Cohen, thanks.
5. Ana vs. Lea
OK, war numero dos: Ana vs. Lea. Again, why do these two hate each other? We think it comes down to Ana thinking Lea is gold digger/bitch to her bestie Marysol. For Lea, it seems she has some dirt on Ana and is just waiting for the right moment to slap it on the cover of Life & Style. Will it come out during part two? We can only hope.
4. Bully Bullshit
Bullying is a serious issue. Bullying isn't two girls blabbering over red carpets and Joe Francis' penis. Thank you to Ana for pointing that out. OK, that is all.
3. Rodolfo No Te Gusta Karent
Here was the biggest shocker of the evening: Karent and Rodolfo broke up. In the words of Justin Timberlake, "Cry me a freaking river." Ok, we might have added a little there. She beat around the breakup bush like it was her job. Well, her real job is a dentist and she showed those pearly whites while talking about the hardest times in her life per usual. Its annoying, OK, we will say it.
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2. Ana Goes Ape Shit
If we will walk away with one question this season, it's this: Where did Ana come from? All season long, she has just been cooking, crying or being the voice of reason. Apparently she got off the plane in NYC and left those days behind. Maybe its all the air she was giving to her boobs that went to her brain? She's calling out Lea and her age, making sure Karent knows she sucks and if there was a moment of silence on set, she was filling it with a chop to one of the girls. For the inevitable round three of this show, we hope she keeps up the same mentality.
1. JoAAnna Krupa
We didn't put the AA in her name for no reason. How do we say this politely? Joanna Krupa is a boozehound. For the wives and everyone around her, this is a bad thing. For us, it just makes us want to hang out with her even more. If Bravo is good at one thing, it's a montage of how fucked up you were this entire season. They perfected it to make Mrs. Krupa look like a baby Charlie Sheen. We think their just hating. If you looked at any of the scenes of her white girl wasted, there is a good chance she looked better than you sober.
See you next week for the reunion, part two. Mama Elsa makes a cameo -- need we say more?