Some things in this world are awesome on their own but transform into a boatload of nope if paired with something equally enjoyable. Pineapple lasagna. Banana wine. Rib-eye ice cream. Greatness doesn't always pair well with greatness.
Thanks to local musician Otto Von Schirach and drag performer Gio Profera, we are about to be confronted by another such pairing: milk and wrestling. The eccentric Miamians have announced they have put together the Valentine's Day celebration you didn't know you needed: a night of booze, music, and, yes, milk wrestling.
The event, dubbed the Coolest Valentine's Day on Miami Beach, will take place Tuesday, February 14, from 9 p.m. to 5 a.m. at Sweet Liberty Drinks & Supply Co. Von Schirach will host the event, which includes DJ sets courtesy of Profera.
Now that you have all the particulars of the event, let's circle back to the why. Why, why on Earth, milk wrestling?
"I have always been fascinated with the weird, the odd, and the trashy," says Profera, AKA Juleisy of the local drag duo Juleisy y Karla. "I always like to think I put the 'ass' in 'classy.' Also, we have done milk before, and the crowd was all about it. So we decided to bring it back."
Fair enough. When in search of a reason to wrestle in milk, you can't really expect an answer that makes you think, Oh, yeah, that totally makes sense. But there are still so many questions. Like, how much milk will they need to fill the wrestling pool?
"If my calculations are correct, it will take 43 gallons of white whole milk to make this vision come alive," Profera says.
Where does one pick up 43 gallons of milk?
"Otto and I milk the cows ourselves."
"I'm kidding. We will have to go to a couple of stores. This is why I love America."
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Still on the fence as to whether milk wrestling is for you? Consider this: The event will offer not only girl-on-girl, dude-on-bro, and dude-on-girl wrestling but also a drag-queen-on-drag-queen match. Winners will receive a bottle of booze, a championship belt, and title of "Tremando Lechaso."
Still not sold? Profera says live a little and break the same old boring mold you've been conforming to since high school.
"Valentine's Day can suck if you're broke or alone, so there is no cover to this event. Also, it's fun!" Profera says. "No boring dinner or long-ass movie, just hot girl-on-girl and drag-queen-on-drag-queen action in white milk. Pure, wholesome entertainment."
The Coolest Valentine's Day on Miami Beach
9 p.m. Tuesday, February 14, at Sweet Liberty Drinks & Supply Co., 237 20th St., Miami Beach; 305-763-8217; mysweetliberty.com. Admission is free.