Our initial impressions of Dancing With the Stars last week,
the first week we ever watched the series, was mild shock at just how not
obnoxious the show is in comparison to its contemporaries. And though we, as
fans of crazy people, were upset that Ron Artest was kicked off last week, we admit we were almost looking forward to this week's edition.
But when "Nancy Grace Nip Slip" showed up trending on Twitter, we began to dread what
our DVR had in store for us.
Hope Solo and Maks were kicked off the show. (Get it? She plays soccer!) A quick package shows Maks watching her play in her 100th game for the U.S. Women's Soccer Team. Once again the show treats Hope Solo like an uncoordinated buffalo unable to hold back her kicks in a lady-like manner, when actually her moves were perfectly graceful. She and Maks do a forbidden-love theme with her dressed in a soccer uniform and Maks dressed in tennis garb because, as we all know, soccer and tennis players are unable to love one another. Anyway, Hope's ass looks great, and she gets a 19.
David Arquette continues to pour so much energy and passion into the competition that you have to assume he believes Courtney Cox will take him back if he wins. He wears a fedora for what we think is the first time but we're certain won't be the last. We're not entirely convinced the fedora industry isn't wholly subsidized by Arquette. He passes the hat off to partner Kym because switching hats is a very important part of modern dance. They get an 18 and Courtney Cox's love eluding him another week.
Rob Kardashian and Cheryl's dance is tinged by the uncomfortable recognition that Rob has severe body-image issues that flare up when competing, which is ludicrous when you consider he's competing against Chaz Bono. Rob has a strong showing, getting a 21 and being called a "better dancer than Kim" by one of the judges. That'll get him a week in the crate where the Kardashians keep Bruce Jenner.
Ricki Lake and Derrick have a perfectly pleasant dance to "Hey Ya" that earns them a 23. But more important, last week when we looked up "Ricki Lake nude," the only thing that appeared was a documentary that Ricki made about home birth. And it does feature her nude, but while giving birth. So if you want to see what a pregnant Ricki Lake looks like giving birth, it's out there!
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Chaz Bono and Lacey's dance was once again hindered by Chaz's physical limitations. You would have thought he was a retired NFL linebacker with just how little he could move. The judges call him on his immobility and give him a 17. He does deserve credit for picking out a suit from the Cedric the Entertainer Collection, though.
Nancy Grace and Tristan's performance was not unlike watching a horror movie. In this case, the killer lurking in the shadows was Nancy Grace's nipple. Finally the dreaded came to be, and barely visible, there it was. A cathartic rush came over us knowing we had survived. We are also confident in saying that Ricki Lake's pregnant nipples were better. The dance got a 21 because of adversity or something.
That's it for this week. David Arquette will get kicked off unless it's Chaz, but it'll probably be Arquette.