We love the gay community - and we mean love, in, like, a totally gay way. Yes, we know that a gay person is just like any other. But in reality, many gays know that they are simply a little more fabulous than the rest of the world. And that fabulousness comes in all different flavors.
With that in mind, we're celebrating Miami Beach Gay Pride by listing some of the quote-unquote "stereotypes" of the LGBTQ community who'll be coming out (no pun intended) to party this weekend. There'll be drag queens, bois, twinks, futches, bears -- all those who can't or don't want to assimilate, who relish being different from the boring old heteros of the world.
And in the spirit of equality, we decided to treat members of the LGBTQ community in the same way that we treat everyone else -- by having a little fun with them.
7. Bears & Cubs
Bears and cubs are hairy, big (either chubby or muscular), and tend to look very masculine -- hence the 'bear' name. These dudes look super-tough, and when it comes to fighting, you definitely don't wanna poke the bear. But don't be fooled: beneath that furry, tatto-ed exterior often lies a softie who enjoys spooning. Note: While other cities have a higher population of bears, in South Florida, they are pretty endangered, because Miami is more overrun by...
6. Muscle Marys
You know who they are. They live at the gym. They can benchpress a higher number than their IQs -- and that's not a "strong dudes are dumb" joke, that's just a testament to their strength. Rumor has it that though they look "straight," plenty of Marys will bottom for you faster than you can say "human growth hormone."
Bois are the living embodiment of the phrase "the best of both worlds." They're somewhat hard to define, but you know one when you see one. New York Magazine says, "Boihood has nothing to do with earth mothers or sisterhood or herbal tea, and everything to do with being young, hip, "sex positive," a little masculine, and ready to rock." Bois are girls who look and act like cool, fun, trendy teenage boys. And they're usually a lot less annoying than Justin Bieber.
4. The Soft Butches/Stone Butch Spectrum
Soft butches are exactly what they sound like -- a cross between a femme and a butch. Basically, they're lesbians who are neither completely masculine nor completely feminine. Your typical "futch" gets her hair and eyebrows done regularly, but doesn't wear skirts, dresses, or heels. She'll get her nails did - but with clear polish. Lip gloss, not lip stick. Think Ellen Degeneres -- but with longer hair.
Stone butches, on the other hand, are like soft butches on steroids. They're women who require a second (and sometimes third) look to determine their gender, with extremely short hair, usually cut in a crew cut or fade, and wearing only
men's clothes and men's cologne. Think KD Lang - only more masculine, and not necessarily white. The stone butch population is pretty high across all demographics in Miami, including African-American, and white Hispanic. No bear-style threat of endangerment here.
Miami also has a very high twink population. Twinks are, well, pretty boys: very thin, with smooth, hairless bodies and impeccable hair. They are also young and tend to party a lot. Think of Zac Efron -- just really, really gay. No, gayer.
Although they're much more prevalent in the northeast, especially in Philly and NYC, Miami has plenty of these "gay-toe fabulous" boys and girls. They listen to hardcore rap and hip hop, and dress like DMX, Missy Elliot, and Eminem, but they are gayer than Richard Santorum's next child. (Hey, karma's a bitch.)
1. Drag Queens
Ah, drag queens: the most out-there, legendary, well-known, and iconic gay LGBTQ stereotype known to man. Drag queens elevate life to an art form. They make Pride more fun just by being there. They are fierce and fabulous and they don't give a fuck. They may wear dresses, but they have balls. Literally.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.