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Five Reasons to Egg the New Britto Sculpture at Fifth & Alton

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Romero Britto may be oblivious, but he's the artistic equivalent of H1N1: The man is Miami's own personal artsy-fartsy epidemic. Though it seems there are still some people in Miami-Dade in charge of public artwork who prefer the man's stuff (e.g., Midtown, off I-95 downtown, Bal Harbor, etc.), the vast quantities of Britto in this city are approaching virgin-comic-book-collector levels of fetishism and insanity. It's as if Miami is the mother's basement of some crazy, Jarritos-addled Britto geek.

The newest Britto sits at Fifth & Alton in South Beach in front of a multi-tiered shopping complex owned by developer Jefferey Berkowitz, self-proclaimed nepotistic Britto nut. And guess what? It's not fluorescent! Just kidding, of course it's fluorescent! Here are five reasons to egg the new Britto sculpture -- in a nondestructive fashion.

  1. For our homegirl Lisa Frank. The sculpture is conveniently located in front of a Staples, which, had it been such a conglomerate in the early '90s, would probably have sold Lisa Frank stationary and folders. Remember Lisa Frank? The bright unicorn-plastered pink binders? The rainbow-slathered pencils? Ponies with wings and fairydust and peppermints! In honor of Lisa Frank and in the name of misplaced plagiarism, let's pour a 40 for her and toss some chicken embryos on Britto's handiwork.
  2. Proximity. The Britto museum is a scant 12 blocks north, and there's a Britto on the MacArthur Causeway at the Miami Children's Museum entrance two miles west. The Beach is crowded enough, thank you very much. Tear down Britto! Build more parking spots!
  3. Publix. There's a new Publix in the shopping center as well (the supermarket, like Britto, has a massive presence on the Beach, but that's OK because they feed Britto lovers and Britto haters alike), so the eggs are right upstairs! Hop in that elevator and get yourself some cage-free Greenwise eggs. You'll never feel more rebellious and ethically responsible at the same time. Take notes, G20 protesters.
  4. The apocalypse. Once Miami is post-apocalyptic, Britto's art will actually be sort of depressingly wonderful. All of those annoying fluorescent faces, half-drowning under the water... sounds like the perfect establishing shot of a Kevin Costner movie. But it's not the apocalypse yet! We're closer to Will Smith's "Miami" video than Waterworld. What did you say? Did I hear you say eggs? After you, good sir.
  5. It sucks. Plain and simple, nothing to see here. Real trees > fake trees. Thank God the eastbound MacArthur off-ramp partially blocks the view. Egg it. Buy yourself an anarchist chicken so you can do it every day. Egg it till you're satisfied.

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