Actually, you don't need to be chemically-altered to enjoy Bollywood (and other Indian cinema). It's that good. If you've never heard of Bollywood, it's the lovable term referring to the Hindi-language portion of Indian cinema. And as westerners, we can't tell the difference between Hindi, Tamil, Telugu, or any others, so to us it's all Bollywood. The southeast asian cinema is characterized by impromptu singing and dancing. So in other words it's like Glee or High School Musical minus all the white 29-year-olds portraying high school kids.
It showcases big-time stars like Shahrukh Khan, Amir Khan, and Salman Khan. Either "Khan" is a title bestowed upon the greatest of actors, sort of like Caesar was to Roman emperors, or the stories of Genghis's promiscuity are true.
But the greatest thing about Indian cinema are the insane action movie scenes. Sometimes they blatantly rip-off American cinema, sometimes they fuck with horses, and sometimes they disobey the laws of physics in ways Michael Bay could only dream of.
8. The Matrix: Indian
We're
not sure what makes it funnier: the super dude's face, or the
top-to-bottom execution of that entire scene plus the super dude's face.
He looks a little like Cleveland Brown. We have it on good authority
(disliked YouTube comments) that this is Tamil cinema which comparing it
to Bollywood proper is like comparing something made by Scorsese to a
student film put together using a series of still photos from Instagram.
7. The Matrix: Reloaded Indian
He's
back at it again! Wait, is it the same guy? It takes a certain level of
skill to master cinematography techniques prevalent in '70s
blaxploitation movies and not lose focus as the rest of the world laughs
at you. This dude is like the Indian Will Smith. Needless to say, the
British have no regrets in giving India their independence.
6. Magadheera: Hardcore Indian Action
These films have more flying cars than The Jetsons.
It turns out all the Indians who
know their physics end up getting engineering degrees at MIT and the
ones left behind relegate themselves to making movies. For these sort of
non-stop action flicks (not counting all the breaks for dance numbers),
they pull out all the stops. Just about the only thing
they hold back from is conservation of linear momentum.
5. Alluda Majaka: Epic Marathon of Action
After
coordinating this action sequence, the director reportedly flew to
England, took a cab to Westminster Abbey, dug up Isaac Newton's corpse,
and fucked it. That's where the term "jump his bones" originates from.
What is the fascination with making everything jump for no particular
reason at all? This is more than just an ongoing theme with these action
flicks, it's more like a requirement. No horses were injured during the filming of this scene. Because they all died.
4. Singham 8: Rip-off of Red With Added Flair
Guess
what happens with the car. No, really, guess. It flies -- oh, you said
that too? We're not exactly sure what the plot of this movie is, but
clearly the man is some sort of renegade cop so we suspect the tagline
is something along the lines of, "A cop who doesn't play by the laws...
of physics!" That damn mustache grants him powers. Is it any surprise
that all of the bad-asses in these clips have them?
3. Terrible Product Placement and Knife Catching
Just
like we outsource our tech support to India, India outsources their
fight scene coordination to American schoolchildren. It's the sort of
thing Steven Seagal's son would've come up with during "take your child
to work day" in 1994. It's especially wonderful how a frame they think
is cool gets repeated a few times so the audience gets to experience it
over again. Also, the sound effects were done by the dude from those Police Academy movies. You know which one we're talking about. That's right, Bobcat Goldthwait.
2. Donga: Indian Thriller
This isn't an action scene, per se, but the cheesy rip-off of Thriller can't go unnoticed.
1. Endhiran: The Indian Robot
With Endhiran, they decided to just go absolutely bananas. Flying cars?
Check. Unaffected by bullets? Check. Indian robot forming a massive
snake like sentient LEGO blocks? Check. Some intern working at the movie
studio read some tutorials on Adobe After Effects and wanted to see
what the fuck else could be added to a scene besides your typical
explosions. If only "restraint" were an Adobe plugin.
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