Cultist is getting its jazz hands ready; Dance Moms are in our midst! Lifetime has ordered a Miami-based spin-off of its hit show about talented torjeting tykes and their snide-remark-spewing stage moms that will be appropriately titled Dance Moms: Miami.
In lieu of Abby Lee Miller, the show will feature Stars Dance Studio and its instructors Angel Armas and Victor Smalley (a season six So You Think You Can Dance finalist) for a six-episode season, according to reports. And if the new spin-off will be anything like the original, that means even more hours watching hilariously themed dance numbers interspersed between scenes of well-coiffed moms fighting for dominance and getting into shouting matches with the teacher.
Inspired by the recent performance on Dance Moms called "Sassy Girls" (seriously, we can't make this stuff up), we propose six SoFla-themed routines for each of the new episodes -- and the ensuing mama drama. I mean, if Abby Lee is any indication, they are definitely all within the realm of the possible. We don't know if any suggestions come close to a dance last season about lost and abused children that featured one young dancer pretending to strangle herself, and another simulating getting stabbed in the stomach... but we can certainly say Miami features an exotic cast of characters to draw inspiration from. So have at it, choreographers:
Snow Birds
A lyrical group number set to a Kenny G piece. This
routine will feature the dancers moving in slow motion across the floor,
as the stage becomes more and more congested. Obviously the bedazzled
walkers that are to be used as props will not be sparkly enough, leading
to the choreographers to flip out at the moms concerning their lack of
commitment.
Chongas
A gymnastics-heavy duet set to a
smashing J Lo song. This routine will feature two dancers doing
no-handed cartwheels and back bends in and around larger and larger gold
hoop earrings emblazoned with the name of the dance studio. Meanwhile,
apropos of nothing, the moms will repeatedly threaten to leave the
company and seek out a new dance studio.
Spring Breakers
A musical theater group routine set to LMFAO. The maturity of the
subject matter - binging on alcohol and getting it on with strangers -
will inevitably cause a number of moms to question whether this is a
good idea while simultaneously doing nothing to stop it. After the
kiddos win first place, the moms will realize the choreographers know
what's best: having young children gyrate in sync on stage.
The Corrupt Politician
A clogging solo set to a lone trumpet. The dancer will wear a sparkly
tie/tutu combination, but when the skirt gets snagged right before the
competition starts, the moms go into panic mode attempting to duct tape
it shut. Enraged, the studio heads questions whether all the moms are
drunk.
Burmese Pythons
An afro-jazz number set to a
Ke$ha song, where the dancers start in a small corner of the stage but
soon leap and jete until they are taking over the entire auditorium.
During the show, one mom has to leave early to attend to the needs of
her non-dancer child, causing the others to snidely comment on her
inability to prioritize.
Marlins Fans
A hip-hop group
routine set to "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." A lavish background set
will be built, but then only one dancer will show up to perform. The
moms will bicker over whose kid gets to perform the whole routine on her
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own, while griping during confessional that the teacher's pet always
gets chosen.
--Jordana Mishory
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