Chad Ochocinco Shops at Urban Outfitters; We Offer Our Styling Suggestions

We at Cultist must confess a certain fondness for Urban Outfitters, purveyors of ironic tees, man-repelling women's attire, and hipster gadgets of all sorts. There's something comforting and innocent about the atmosphere inside the store, like being wrapped in a warm blanket of nonchalance and idealism.

Apparently, New England Patriots wide receiver and Miami Beach Senior High School football alum Chad Ochocinco agrees. When a fan on Twitter asked him for advice on where to shop while visiting Miami, @ochocinco responded with his top two choices: Urban Outfitters and H&M.

When we saw that tweet, the fact that the nearest H&M is in Palm Beach Gardens was the furthest thing from our minds -- pushed out by a barrage of imagined fashion scenarios for the famed player. Does Chad have a collection of ironic glasses with plastic lenses? Does he carry a flask screenprinted with a mustache? Is his bookshelf filled with copies of The Hipster Handbook and Hot Guys and Baby Animals?

Sadly, we don't know. But we can imagine what he'd look like if he did. We've gotta admit it -- we were skeptical at first, but the man makes it work.

Above photo: Christy's Crown Collection Claire Cloche Hat, $58; Blue Squares Zip-Up Sweater, $44.99 (on sale).

We like to imagine Ochocinco pulling up to Gillette Stadium rocking some sweet, 80's-inspired color-blocking -- all topped off with that hipster essential, PBR.
PBR Trucker Hat, $29; Wild Things Reversible Crazy Hooded Jacket, $109.99 (sale).

A casual look for chillin' around the house -- or a gift for fellow NFL player Michael Vick?
Gemma Corell Pugs Not Drugs Tee, $24; Ray-Ban Original Aviator Sunglasses, $139.

Professional football is hard, y'all. A man can't catch touchdown passes, tweet 20 times a day *and* keep his pants up all by himself.
Striped 1" Suspender, $18.

Plenty of kids already look up to Ochocinco, but in person, we bet he's pretty intimidating to the little ones. But they'll love him in this Muppet-esque cap and literal baby tee.
Yeti Monster Hat, $24 (sale); Hangover Carlos Tee, $24.

He's spent years building shoulder muscles -- why not show 'em off? Paired with a bowler and ironic frames, and he's ready for a night at Vagabond.
Daydreamer LA Kissyface Sweatshirt, $49; Christy's Crown Collection Mini Felt Bowler Hat, $38; Aviator Readers, $14.

Sometimes you've just gotta get away from the press and geek out on some Harry Potter like a regular guy, y'know? What better way to do that than in this terrifying sweater-mask and scarf set?
Lumberjack Ski Mask, $19.99 (sale); scarf no longer available.

And the pièce de résistance. Two words: training gear.
Hooded jumpsuit, sadly also out of stock.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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