Film & TV

Bad Girls Club Miami, Episode 5: Beaches, Broads, and Beatdowns

We've got a lot of questions. Like ... Are we the only ones willing to listen to how fucking dumb Kristen is because of all the crazy-funny shit she says? Is Dirty D an actual ex-heroin addict or is she just faking it to be a Debbie Downer? Or when Kristen slaps that guy at Ted's Hideaway for putting a dildo in her ear? C'mon, girl, there's no way that's the first time that has ever happened to you.

Oh yeah, the Everglades were officially Bad Girl invaded! The girls were surprisingly good sports about the outdoor activity, especially Catya who loves a day in the swamp because it is good "wholesome" fun.

That's true. But not when you're flashing your ass for the camera while wading through the goddamn everglades. If those girls didn't have a disease before, God knows they do now.

Also, we can't be mad at Brandi for having a crush on Lea, because after our interview with Ms. Beaulieu, we do too. And Lea gets naked in this episode. Thanks, girlfriend!

Every episode, it's fun to play "Who Sucks Today?" Last week, it was Erica, but this week it's stripper Brandi. Since when is a stripper trying to go to bed early? Bitch, you don't get off work till 6 a.m., so let the ladies (especially ones who you're trying to have sex with) have a little skinnydipping fun! And Kayleigh needs to put on her big girl panties. She's a huge baby who cries at the raising of a roomate's voice. Or in the words of stripper Brandi: "!"

During the girls' day at the beach, Catya starts a fight with some ladies she believes are from the 305. Those women are more than likely not from MIA. Just the way YOU invaded Miami Beach, other slutty broads from the Jersey Shore do too, 365 days a year. They are probably just upset that their booze-filled day on the beach was ruined by having to listen to your voices all day. Why I want to assume the chonga wasn't from Miami: One of her friends was wearing an "I Love Miami" shirt. We don't do that shit here.

Winding down the episode, so much shit explodes. First, Brandi needs to join both I Love to Break Shit Anonymous (ILBSA) and Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). For the second time, she tries to say she doesn't remember what happened last night because she was too drunk. And I like how Oxygen just drops the bomb like, "Hey were going to be back in two weeks." Really? Your dumbass show is our drug. We can't go a week without it! And then you've got the gall to show a preview of the next expisode in Jamaica where someone goes home and leaves a note that says, "See you at the reunion." Man, the next two weeks are gonna be rough.

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Stacey Russell
Contact: Stacey Russell