A Stray Cat on the Field Gained More Yards Than Dolphins Offense Last Night

On last night's nationally televised Thursday Night Football, the rest of America got a taste of what Miami Dolphins fans routinely deal with on a weekly basis. The Dolphins' embarrassing 40-0 beatdown at the hands of the Baltimore Ravens this past Thursday was just the latest episode of what has been a season of some of the most disgusting offensive football the franchise has ever seen.

Except this loss was the big one. The 100-year loss. The loss children will read about in textbooks in 50 years. The loss people in the year 3047 will see inscribed on a cave wall in some weird form of hieroglyphics.

The Fins scored zero points. Again. As if to rub in just how godawful the offense looked, a cat sprinted onto the field midgame and instantly provided a more exciting highlight than Matt Moore's crew could deliver all game.

The Dolphins had this loss coming. Their 4-2 record seemed fraudulent before Thursday night, but after getting smoked by one of the worst teams in the NFL, which had Ryan Mallett under center for more than half the game, the Fins' 4-3 record seems like a damn accounting error. The Dolphins are a bad football team with bad quarterback play and a head coach, Adam Gase, who more often than not proves himself to be an extraordinarily bad offensive play caller.

But enough gushing about the Dolphins' offense. Let's check in on the Dolphins' defe... HOLY CRAP THEY KILLED A GUY. Late in the first half of the Fins' curb-stomping, Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco attempted an awkward half-slide that resulted in Dolphins linebacker Kiko Alonso nearly decapitating him.

Amazingly, Alonso wasn't ejected. He was, however, a participant in an all-out melee afterward right in front of a very upset Ravens bench.

Flacco didn't return to the game, but he wasn't needed. The Dolphins were already dead when he almost died. There was nothing left to be done. So he joined the rest of America in watching the rest of the game on television, which probably hurt more than the hit he took to the temple.

The Dolphins are 4-3. But they might as well be 0-7. They just aren't a good football team. Last night, the rest of America learned that dirty little secret.

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