Do you have an extra half-million lying around? We'll wait while you check your sock drawer. Done? No luck, huh? Well, look, if by some chance you can round up $500,000 by December 30, the Fontainebleau Hotel has a New Year's Eve package tailor-made for you and nine of your closest friends.
Every year we see the lavishly expensive Miami New Year's Eve packages unfurl. And the truth is, a lot of them only exist for the press. We all like to ogle at the $100,000 bottles of champagne and imagine, if only for a moment, popping that bad boy wide open.
We're guilty of playing into the hype too. Last year we did a roundup of Miami's most expensive New Year's Eve packages. But even the most expensive one on that list topped off at a wimpy $100,000.
This year, the Fontainebleau is determined to be number one on the list.
"Each year, Fontainebleau Miami Beach continues to find new and exciting ways to reimagine our New Year’s Eve celebration,” Philip Goldfarb, President of the Fontainebleau Miami Beach said in a press release. “With this over-the-top package, Fontainebleau Miami Beach is offering an unprecedented New Year’s Eve experience that truly tailors to the luxury consumer.”
"Luxury consumer" is one way to put it. Another way might be "one-percenter's wet dream."
To start, the "Ultimate VIP Package" includes a five-night stay in the five-bedroom, 9,850 square-foot Sorrento Penthouse, a stocked poolside cabana to enjoy each day, a backstage tour of the hotel, private dinners at the Fontainebleau's restaurants, unlimited use of either a Lamborghinis or Rolls Royce (or both), and a $100,000 shopping spree at the hotel's jewelry store and boutique.
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And all of that is before the New Year's Eve party even starts. On the big night, December 31, you'll enjoy a private dinner at Stripsteak, your own exclusive VIP table to watch Justin Bieber's poolside performance, a table to watch Skrillex tear it up downstairs at LIV, and then, if you're not too gassy after all that red meat and champagne, a private yacht will whisk you away to Story for Marshmello's late-night set, which will include a meet-and-greet with the EDM superstar.
To recover from the P. Diddy fever dream, you and your guests will be treated to a private brunch, bloody mary bar, and spa day on January 1, 2017. And then, sadly, it's back to your awful, unluxurious life, you greasy plebeian.
You must be over 21 to take part, and the press release warns, "All sales are final, no refunds will be offered." It also warns, "the Ultimate VIP Package is available to the first guest who books the experience," so don't delay, cheapskate. Any trust-fund babies, hedge-fund managers, internet tycoons, drug lords, oil barons, or rich cartoon ducks who wish to learn more can call 305-674-4641 or visit fontainebleau.com/NYE.