Welcome to our fourth-annual WTF Florida Awards! This year we planned on holding the ceremonies in person and broadcasting them live on Mugshots.com. We had musical performances lined up by such Florida melody greats as Limp Bizkit, Stitches, and a special reunion of 2 Live Jews. Jeb Bush, Hulk Hogan, and Casey Anthony were all tapped to present trophies. We even had the first "In Memoriam" segment ready in which we would have had to ask the audience to please hold all laughter until the end.
Alas, the abandoned roller rink off I-4 we planned to hold it in has actually been taken over by invasive pythons. So, we'll just have to leak the winners online.
The First-Annual John D. MacDonald Award for Florida Crime Fiction Zola, @_zolarmoon
As the great American novelist William Faulkner one said, "If a story is in you, it has to come out." In late October, Aziah "Zola" Wells' story came out, but not in the pages of a book, but rather on Twitter. She entranced the Internet with her tale of "this white bitch at Hooters," her manic fiancé, and her violent pimp "Z" during a Tarantino-esque trip to Florida to "trap." As it turns out, Zola's tale was based on a true story but had been embellished. In any event, we haven't read pulp fiction about Florida so enticing since Carl Hiaasen's heyday.
The Personal Style Award presented by Vogue (that's Vogue thrift store at the corner of Oil Light Way and Palm Road in Pensacola) John Balmer For selling weed in a Pasco County Kmart, no less.
Most Relatable Mugshot of the Year Gabriel Harris Best Achievement in Food Not Recognized by the James Beard Foundation Daniel Allen Plunkett, arrested for battery by pizza
Some people may live by the credo that no time is a bad time for pizza, but apparently Florida law says otherwise. Daniel Allen Plunkett, a 50-year-old from Treasure Island, was arrested for throwing a slice of pizza at his roommate.
On June 3, Plunkett began arguing with Brenda Fiejdasz about pizza inside the apartment they share. The arrest report does not elaborate why the two were arguing about pizza, but Plunkett allegedly ended up throwing a slice at Fiejdasz and struck her left hand. There were no injuries, but deputies noted the pizza was still hot. Deputies also noted that Fiejdasz had sauce on her shoulder.
Worst Chill Session Not Involving Netflix Anna Marzita Shinkle
In case you're wondering, yes, a grease dumpster is exactly what it sounds like. It's a dumpster where a restaurant disposes of used grease and cooking oil.
The incident happened on Fort Myers Beach at the Lani Kai, an infamous Polynesian-themed resort and nightlife hotspot. Lee County Sheriff's deputies came across Anna Marzita Shinkle at 2 a.m. She was sound asleep, curled up inside the Lani Kai's grease dumpster. Her shirt was on, but her pants were around her ankles. Naturally, she was also covered in grease. A deputy tried to wake her, but Shinkle was apparently having the sleep of her life inside the dumpster. She told the deputies to "go fuck yourself" and threatened to cut them and "fuck us up."
The fire department showed up and tried to remove Shinkle from the dumpster, but the rescuers soon learned it's difficult to get hold of a woman covered in grease. She held onto the dumpster and wouldn't budge. Deputies warned Shinkle she'd be Tasered if she didn't calm down, but she remained aggressive and received the shock.
The Twilight Medal of Heroism for Service in the Vampire Wars Christian Radecki Radecki, a Cape Coral resident was found atop a sheriff's deputy SUV in June dancing to “Rich Girl” by Hall & Oates and Supertramp’s “Goodbye Stranger.” According to the police report, he said, “When he opened his front door, a woman with fangs was threatening him, and that a human sacrifice was about to occur involving vampires.” He then added that he “made the conscious decision to get the Sheriff of Nottingham to help him stop the slaughter of small children.”
We've joked before that Publix is the pride of Florida. It's the one thing on which Floridians of all stripes can agree. In Publix we trust, God bless.
Unfortunately, this being Florida, there are bound to be some downright WTF-Florida-worthy shenanigans that occur from time to time in our favorite supermarket and a brawl over rotisserie chicken at a Tampa Publix was caught on camera.
The incident went down September 16 at a Publix in the Tampa suburb of Temple Terrace. According to WFLA, the incident began when a costumer ordering chicken wings from the deli threw a racial slur at an employee. It's not exactly clear what happened after that, but somehow it led to the video above.
Our favorite participant is the white lady who takes off her chanx and slaps people with them.
Nobody was injured, but at least one person was arrested for simple battery.
Important life tip: When you exchange numbers with someone, go ahead and send one of those "hi lol it's me :)" texts while you're still face-to-face to confirm you've entered the number correctly. It's awkward, but if you know it'll be especially important to text that person later, it could save you some trouble.
Take, for example, William Lamberson, a 29-year-old from Port St. Lucie. He tried to text a buddy he had recently met, but it turns out he had saved the number wrong by one digit and instead ended up texting Capt. Brian Bergen, head of the Martin County Sheriff's Office narcotics division.
Lamberson opened the text convo with "We met at 7-11 remember man."
Though we can't confirm these statistics, we believe something like 64 percent of all people's relationships that began at a 7-Eleven were probably between a dealer and client, so obviously this was Bergen's first clue that something shady was up.
Lamberson eventually brought up that he was looking for "green." The police captain said no but then asked Lamberson if he had any "hooks" for some "blow." This lingo should have been Lumberton's clue that he was talking to a middle-aged white man, but he didn't notice and texted back that he did. He eventually agreed to meet to provide cocaine at a pool hall, but instead of his 7-Eleven friend waiting for him, it was the police.
And, finally, the Award for Single Most Florida Thing to Happen All Year Patricia Ebel Naples, our ritzy neighbor across the Everglades, rarely makes it into WTF Florida, but when they do, boy is it worth it. This story is basically the result of a Floriduh Mad Libs in which the phrases "Bikini," "Hot Grandma," and "Wrecked BMW" were placed as the answers.
Forty-nine-year-old Patricia Ebel was behind the wheel of her black BMW when she crashed it into the back of a Ford Mustang. Deputies arrived and found the woman clad in a bikini with her 10-year-old grandson in the back. The pair had spent the day at the beach together, but apparently grandma was indulging in some "special grandma juice" during the outing. Police asked the woman to take a field sobriety test, which she promptly failed.
KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE...
Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.