Lists. They're arbitrary, subjective, equal parts enraging and traffic-baiting. Every day there's a new top ten gassiest this or best of that. Yet they persist. They're comforting, helping us organize our increasingly chaotic world into digestible bouillon cubes of information. So when The New Yorker published its list of the top 20 writers under 40, we decided to follow suit with our own random rankings, tailored to our surroundings. We give you the top ten pole dancers under 40; they are the Jonathan Franzens of our town, only more respectable.
To come up with the list, we simply asked Disco Rick, the stripper wrangler at King of Diamonds, that titty Valhalla in Miami Gardens, for his own unique, totally biased take. It's not a definitive list, as no list can be, but it tries to capture "the talent sprouting and blooming around us." Uncle Luke, you might want to read up on this. Here's Rick in his own words:
10. Pinkey is the mother of all the black strippers. She was doing it from the early days, at the old Diamonds Cabaret. She used to have an entourage of girls; Trina used to hang with her. In her heyday, she could just spin onstage and people would throw money at her. She retired last year from the club, but johns still come in asking for her.
9. We have as many strippers as we do palm trees, but Nyla stands out.
She's a black girl from Japan, and she has all kinds of flexibility
because that's I guess what you learn when you're from over there. You'll
find her at King of Diamonds and Take One Cocktail Lounge.
8. Tall, slim, and baby-faced, Heaven has the potential to be the next it girl. She can work the pole, and she's got a few cute tricks up her gold lamé g-string, but not much else (ed.: making her the Jonathan Safran Foer of strippers, clearly). She has to shape herself up and grow up a little before she can be the next Tipdrill. You'll find her at King of Diamonds (and Twitter!).
7. Atlanta is a white girl, and she looks like a white girl. Her body is
not that well shaped, and she doesn't have an ass. But she doesn't have
to shake her ass because she gives a great performance at Tootsie's.
She's the main pole dancer there. She's got a gymnast's body, and she
can work the ass-high, 20-foot pole (ed.: 20?!). Not a lot of girls can do
that. But she's an entertainer climbing those three stories.
6. Sarah is a small white girl from Jacksonville. Not a booty shaker, but
she likes the pole. She locks her body outward on the pole, which is
very difficult when you're 18 feet up in the air, and then comes down in
a split from 20 feet in the air. I call her the little white nerd
stripper with glasses. A regular at Tootsie's.
5. Detroit's finest, the Body is so called because she's got an amazing body. She's got a six-pack she's so fit. Some girls have a six-pack with no ass and no titties, but the Body is all curves. A regular at Diamonds, she makes it rain a lot.
4. When Vanity dances, she gives you a show, like a strip and hip-hop show. She's like the old In
Living Color dancers, but onstage as a stripper. Petite and originally from Chicago, she's the crazy one, as I call her. Some girls will just
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shake their ass, but this one's gonna bring it. Even the other dancers say, "Look at this shit." She performs at Diamonds.
3. Remy Red, a light-skinned petite dancer originally from Milwaukee, has a scary skill. She goes up the pole and she hangs from the ceiling like a fucking bat. She's got nothing to hold on to but the beam, and the pole, and then she does a full split on the ceiling. That's very scary. That's when the crowd just goes, "Wow." She can make it rain like a motherfucker. (Also a tweeter).
2.Spyda & Magic are the Salt-N-Pepa of the Magic City. Spyda, a former gymnast, climbs the pole sideways like a damn spider. And Magic is a tiny New Yorker but very fucking strong. She can lift double her weight. They've been working together for three years; I fly them everywhere because there's only so many tricks you can do on a pole, but when you've got two, it's a rainmaker. Their signature move is called the Spiderman. Magic holds her body away from the pole with just her feet, bent backward while Spyda hangs from her hands. You'll find them at King of Diamonds.
1. Tipdrill is the main attraction at King of Diamonds. She gets the King Kong introduction. The lights are dimmed, the drums start playing, and when the lights come on, she's already onstage. Girls, men, everyone just run over when they hear the name. Before she does her first trick, money's already flying. And why? Swagger. She does what all the other girls do, but faster. She's hanging from the ceiling, right? Lets go, grabs the pole, swings upside down 20 feet in the air, and then drops until she's just four inches from the stage. Very fucking dangerous. The only thing that stops her is her legs. She has to remember that mark every time, because if she doesn't, she's done. Most girls make $100, $200 a night. That's Hefty bag money. Tipdrill walks away with a garbage bag of cash. Nobody can beat her.