Audio By Carbonatix
Christmas carols are awful. They’re cheery, and wintery, and boast the same effects as Ambien does for insomnia.
The 12 Days of Christmas is your Christmas playlist’s biggest offender.
But when things go awry at the Christmas table tonight, Short Order has a way of one-upping the hot mess that results from Uncle Tony’s slurred words and Nana’s Bourbon-wasted pecan pie.
After everyone’s third bottle of Malbec, just sway your glasses to the melody of 12 Days of Christmas – Short Order style.
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
A partridge in a pear tree A poached pear with red wine gastrique.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
Two turtle doves Two chocolate turtles
and a poached pear with red wine gastrique.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
Three French hens Three cornish hens
Two chocolate turtles
and a poached pear with red wine gastrique.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
Four Colly birds Four turkey birds
Three cornish hens
Two chocolate turtles
and a poached pear with red wine gastrique.
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Five golden rings Five onion rings
Four turkey birds
Three cornish hens
Two chocolate turtles
and a poached pear with red wine gastrique.
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Six geese-a-laying Six Lake Meadow geese
Five onion rings
Four turkey birds
Three cornish hens
Two chocolate turtles
and a poached pear with red wine gastrique.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Seven swans-a-swimming Seven Chinese take-out swans
Six Lake Meadow geese
Five onion rings
Four turkey birds
Three cornish hens
Two chocolate turtles
and a poached pear with red wine gastrique.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Eight maids-a-milking Eight girls from Hooters
Seven Chinese take-out swans
Six Lake Meadow geese
Five onion rings
Four turkey birds
Three cornish hens
Two chocolate turtles
and a poached pear with red wine gastrique.
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Nine ladies dancing Nine South Beach strip clubs
Eight girls from Hooters
Seven Chinese take-out swans
Six Lake Meadow geese
Five onion rings
Four turkey birds
Three cornish hens
Two chocolate turtles
and a poached pear with red wine gastrique.
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Ten lords-a-leaping Ten deep fried frog legs
Nine South Beach strip clubs
Eight girls from Hooters
Seven Chinese take-out swans
Six Lake Meadow geese
Five onion rings
Four turkey birds
Three cornish hens
Two chocolate turtles
and a poached pear with red wine gastrique.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Eleven pipers piping Eleven icing pipes
Ten deep fried frog legs
Nine South Beach strip clubs
Eight girls from Hooters
Seven Chinese take-out swans
Six Lake Meadow geese
Five onion rings
Four turkey birds
Three cornish hens
Two chocolate turtles
and a poached pear with red wine gastrique.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Twelve drummers drumming Twelve chicken drum sticks
Eleven icing pipes
Ten deep fried frog legs
Nine South Beach strip clubs
Eight girls from Hooters
Seven Chinese take-out swans
Six Lake Meadow geese
Five onion rings
Four turkey birds
Three cornish hens
Two chocolate turtles
and a poached pear with red wine gastrique.
Follow Alex on Twitter @ARodWrites.
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