If you're not Cuban, you probably have a Cuban friend who keeps you in stitches with his or her unique observations and off-color comments. Enter Pepe Billete. Pepe has become the 305's favorite Cuban puppet gone viral. Billete takes songs you know and love, such as those by Rick Ross, Live, and Major Lazer, and dubs over their videos, creating something 100 percent Miami.
Pepe also keeps his little puppet fingers wrapped around Miami's wrist. He feels our pulse. Because of his insider knowledge of the Magic City and his, ahem, colorful view on life, we thought who better than Pepe to serve as a test subject for the New Times Sex Survey?
We sent Pepe a list of the most pertinent questions from the survey and we were not disappointed.
Whenever we get to interview him, we feel both excited and terrified. When you read the Q&A after the jump, you'll understand why.
New Times: How old were you when you lost your virginity?
Pepe Billete: Yo perdi la viginidad a los 11 años. Mi papa me llevo al malecon en Cuba y me compro una puta que tenia un par de nalgas que parecian un lechon asado.
(I lost my virginity when I was 11 years old. My dad took me to the boardwalk in Cuba and bought me a hooker with an ass that looked like a roasted pig.)
How many sexual partners have you had?
Mama, que pinga voy a saber yo. Eso nada mas que lo cuentan los pencos y las jevas.
(Mama, how the dick am I supposed to know? Only chicks and punks count.)
How often do you have sex?
El macho deve de participar en la singuetta por lo menos tres veces al dia para mantenerse en buena salud. Si no tienes jeva o nadie quiere singar con tigo porque estas arancado y tienes apestas, por lo meno alte una paja y enjuagate el culo. La paja seca es cosa de comemierda y muerto de hambre, comprate un pomito de crema y ten un poco de clase.
(Men need to get off at least three times a day to maintain good health. If you don't have a chick or if no one wants to screw you because you stink and you're busted, at least yank your pud and wash your ass. Dry jerking is for morons and broke ass guys. Buy yourself a small bottle of lotion and have a little class.)
Do you masturbate?
Si, pero no tanto porque no es facil encontrar un par de bembas que haga el trabajo bien.
(Yes, but not often because it isn't easy to find a pair of lips that do a good job.)
How often do you use protection?
If you use protection, What is your preferred method?
No me singo a las sucias.
(I don't bang dirty hos.)
What race do you think has the most well-endowed men?
Oye pero que vola! Tu me vez cara de bisexual, chica?
(Hey! Do I look bisexual to you, chica?)
What race do you think is the most aggressive in bed?
Todas las jevas tienen un animal guardado adentro. Menos los Chinos, eso si no ponen un chicharo.
(All chicks have a hidden animal inside them. Except for the Chinese, they just lay there.)
Have you ever had a threesome?
Have ju ever heard of #tortillafridays?
Have you ever used an online service for sex?
Bueno, yo siempre tengo fotos desnuda que me mandan las jevas por email a firstname.lastname@example.org. Ya yo me a echado un par de ella, so yes.
(Well, chicks are always emailing me naked pictures. And I've banged a few of them, so yes.)
Do you have "friends with benefits"?
La mejor amistad es la que termina con un pingaso.
(The best friendship is the one that ends with a good dicking.)
What type of porn do you like?
Yo no compro esa mierda porque no soy un pajoso, pero las fotos que me mandan la jevitas por email estan BUENISIMA.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
(I don't buy that shit because I'm not a masturbating pervert, but the photos chicks send me via email are HOT.)
Pepe Billete aggravates the FCC everyday on El Zol's (95.7FM) morning show from 6 a.m. to 10 a.m.
Take the New Times' sex survey yourself here.