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Last week, we had to say goodbye to Jaleel White on Dancing
With The Stars. Don’t worry Jaleel, you’ve survived this long being a pop
cultural footnote, you’re going to be fine!
Nevertheless, it’s exciting times
here on DWTS as the teams now perform two dances. Plus, this week the second
dances are all trios, where the teams are joined by returning pros who we will
refuse to acknowledge. Let’s dig in!
Donald Driver and Peta start the traditional dances with a tango. Donald gets frustrated when he messes up. How frustrated? Enough to flip
his shirt over his head in shame. Granted, we weren’t exactly the sporting type growing
up, but is that a football thing? Hide your face in your jersey when you miss a
catch, just like you get a free ice cream cake when you score a touchdown?
What’s that? No ice cream cakes? What are they even playing for? He pulls
through and gets a 27.
Maria Menounos and Derek are still running high on their
perfect score from last week with a Viennese waltz, but they can’t stop fighting. Their practices are
starting to resemble the last half of Blue Valentine, all swearing and
resentment. We give them two weeks before the alcoholism and aborted attempts
at oral sex begin. The turmoil pays off with a 28!
Melissa Gilbert and Maks attempted a foxtrot. And now that
we’re in the later weeks, Melissa’s lack of coordination is really showing.
They dance to Rod Stewart’s “Maggie May.” If you have Spotify, now would be a
good time to acquaint yourself with Rod Stewart’s biography. Whoever wrote that
has a serious axe to grind. Are we changing the subject because Melissa and Maks are a
boring duo we have been waiting to get booted off? Sure. They get a disappointing
24.
Katherine Jenkins and Mark performed a lackluster Viennese waltz. To be fair, lackluster for them would have been one of the better
performances for Gladys Knight or Gavin DeGraw. Maybe they put big money on
throwing this week to even up a string of poor bets made on the Kentucky Derby.
Everyone knows gospel singers are degenerate gamblers. That’s why Charlotte
Church got her legs broken after the 2009 World Series. The judges score them a
26.
Roshon Fegan and Chelsie are feeling the pressure with the foxtrot. And since Roshon is too much of a sweetheart to get into curse-filled
screaming matches with Chelsie, the producers brought in his grandmothers to
watch their rehearsals. Cute! Entertainment the whole family can enjoy, unlike that
upcoming Duets show ABC is peddling. We all know that having to perform
duets is what killed Frank Sinatra. The adorableness pays off with 29 points!
William Levy and Cheryl close the round of traditional
dances with a foxtrot of their own to The Stray Cats. Hopefully this is a trial
run for a Brian Setzer week on DWTS. They can have everyone swing dance and put
on zoot suits and dance to “Zoot Suit Riot.” “How much fun would that be?” said nobody. William and Cheryl get that perfect
score of 30, which has to piss off Roshon so bad that he may even stay up past
11 p.m. tonight, just to be rebellious.
Due to space constrictions we’re going to have to cover the
Trios dances in quick-hits style. This also simplifies things so that we don’t
have to look up the names of eliminated pro dancers, who, in the words of our
father, “if they wanted us to know their names, then they wouldn’t have chosen
to be losers!” Kidding! Donald and Peta jived and scored a 28. Maria and Derek
got a mere 25 points with their Bollywood samba. Melissa and Maks by some
miracle scored a 27. Katherine and Mark made up for their previous dance with a cha-cha for 29 points. Roshon and Chelsie and William and Cheryl went all paso doble
for dual 27s. So nothing too crazy, and yeah, it’s another example of DWTS
filling time, but it was this or airing reruns of Tim Allen’s new show that is
still inexplicably still on the air. “Boy it sure is tough being a man’s man in
this day and age!” LOL, OK, whatever Tim Allen. Just do that barking thing.
Since this is a double elimination week, we’d venture that
this is Roshon and Melissa’s week to exit. Unless people don’t let parameters
like “talent” or “skill” factor into their votes. See you next week!
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