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While the world waits to find out whether or not Justin Bieber is (a) the victim of statutory rape and (b) the absentee father of a three-month-old baby, Crossfade’s busy hypothesizing what the results of a Justin Bieber vs. Mariah Yeater paternity test on Maury might look like.
Huffington Post is reporting that Maury producers are “actively pursuing this story,” banking on Maury’s credibility to once and for all determine whether the Biebz is or isn’t the father.
If JB choses to take his paternity test via daytime TV, here are a few classy examples of how to react when the results are announced.
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5. Center Stage Bellyflop
Nothing says “I told you, bitch” like a good ol’ fashioned bellyflop in the middle of the stage. Follow that with a string of expletives and you’ve got yourself one classy reaction.
4. Fall Off the Chair
It’s called the “Phew, that was close.” Falling off a chair is the international sign of paternity results relief.
3. Deny Till You Die
Paternity test, shmaternity test … As long as you say you’re not the father, you’re not the father. Authoritatively tell Maury, “You better get a new test, brother,” and walk out.
2. Pop and Lock
Bieber’s an incredibly talented performer. Naturally, getting off the paternity hook calls for an impromptu, celebratory dance-off between you and the last ounce of class in your body.
1. Take It Like a Man
Oops. Guess you’ll have to step up and take care of you responsibilities.
Good luck, Justin.
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