One-Word Election Reviews: Obama’s Win Was “Ballsy”; Mitt’s Crowds Were “Chalky”

Unless you’re stuck in some Jack McKeon-like time warp in which Twitter relies on actual messenger pigeons, you’ve probably heard by now that Barack Obama will remain in the White House. And unless your name is Mitt Romney and you’ve permanently forgone alcohol and caffeine, your brain is still probably a soggy mush of post-celebratory/funereal booze.

So we’ll make this easy on you. Here are our single-word reviews of everything that happened last Tuesday, starting with Obama’s victory.

Obama’s win: Ballsy

Obama’s victory speech: Lincoln-y

Obama’s margin of victory: Nate-Silver-y

Mitt Romney’s Election Day performance: Meh

Romney’s concession speech: Short

Romney’s face during concession speech: Puffy

Romney’s audience: Chalky

Obama’s audience: Grad-student-y

Joe Biden: Plastered

Florida: Clusterf*cked

Miami-Dade County: Atrasado

Bill Nelson: Grape-Nuts

Connie Mack: Grape-Nutted

Allen West: Ballotf*cked

David Rivera: Corruptif*cked

Rick Scott: F*cked-up

Alan Grayson: Back

County commissioners: Limited

Miami Herald/Tampa Bay Times/Mason-Dixon poll that showed Romney up by 6 percentage points in Florida: Oops

Democrats: Resurgent

Republicans: Worried

Latinos: ¡Gracias!

Obama’s future: Fiscal-cliff-avoidance

Romney’s future: Pilates

America’s future: Bright