Audio By Carbonatix
THUR 9/4
It’s no secret — Miami’s nightlife depends on big, round, usually augmented, breasts. Boobs are huge here, literally. You don’t need a degree in microeconomics to recognize that the best clubs are busting at the seams with buxom bosoms. It makes sense; nice racks attract swarms of male, alcohol-shlogging clubgoers like dogs to kibble. Which is why Life Discotheque in Coconut Grove is giving something back to the gals who keep the guys coming and spending (and not necessarily in that order). They’re introducing the Breast Thursdays Ever, a weekly contest in which ladies compete for a free set of knockers of their dreams.
To think there was a time when complimentary party favors meant New Year’s trinkets, free hors d’oeuvres, or an open bar — today it’s a pair of double Ds. Beginning tonight, the club will be stationing booths for applicants to sign up and conducting interviews — that’s right, interviews. Life partner Emi Guerra contends that contestants should have a head if they want new headlights.
The preliminaries continue each Thursday until September 25, when six finalists face off tit-for-tat. Dr. Lenny “Boobner” Roudner, the surgeon behind countless celebrity kajoobies, will ask the ladies Miss America-type questions, giving them the chance to convince the judges and all the club patrons that they deserve the prize. Unfortunately Roudner will perform the surgery at “a later date.” But with the world on its way to hell and all, don’t be surprised if next year the operation’s done right there onstage.
The winner will be selected by hooting and hollering. Of course, the loudest hoots win the hooters. Democracy is such a beautiful thing.
But where’s the equality? How about a little something for guys with just a little something. Penis enlargement contests! Uh … not that I need one or anything. — By Humberto Guida
The Breast Thursdays Ever starts at 10:00 p.m. at Life Discotheque, 3342 Virginia St, Coconut Grove. Call 305-445-8366 or visit www.lifemiami.com.
WED 9/10
Happenings
Marking a Win
Considering the hordes of attention heaped upon gays and lesbians with television same-sex dating shows, it’s hard to believe it was only a year ago that residents of Miami-Dade County were struggling to accept protections against sexual-orientation discrimination. Yes, it was just a short 12 months ago that members of Take Back Miami tried to pull our city into the dark ages. Of course voters showed up at the polls to tell the homophobes that there was no turning back, and defeated the initiative to pull the words “sexual orientation” from the county’s human-rights ordinance. SAVE Dade, the political activist group that led the drive to protect the legislation, is marking the win with a victory party at its headquarters. Although the event recognizes a historic high point in local human rights, it is sure to note that more battles lie ahead, such as those over gay and lesbian adoption rights and same-sex marriage. The victory party begins at 7:00 p.m. at the American Legion, 6446 NE 7th Ave. Call 305-751-7283. — By Juan Carlos Rodriguez
THUR 9/4
Days of Wine and Roses
Anyone wanting to slip away to a small town like Savannah, Georgia, or Charleston, South Carolina, need not travel too far. In fact leaving Miami is wholly unnecessary. Just head to the Rosebriar Restaurant & Café on NE 28th Street, between Biscayne Boulevard and NE Second Avenue. The 1924 bungalow has been lovingly transformed into a quaint eatery, complete with polished wood floors, soft lighting, pink walls with white trim, antique china cabinets, a fireplace, and a well-tended garden stocked with namesake rose bushes. Fresh-baked breads and pastries, plus tasty sandwiches, salads, and soups, are on the menu. Afternoon tea is available as well. From 6:30 to 9:00 tonight, the café throws its first shindig. Local chanteuse Bambi will serenade folks as they sample fare, sip wine, and check out unique vintage jewelry by Sol Luna and the work of artist Carlos Suarez de Jesus, who celebrates his return to town after a year-long sojourn to the Motor City. Admission is free. Call 305-438-9474. — Nina Korman
SAT 9/6
Only Natural
The Sierra Club gets down to business
The Sierra Club is the nation’s oldest and largest environmental action group. Unlike some recent headline grabbers, the influential grassroots organization always maintains a respectful air and keeps its battles legal, figuring prominently in the drive to preserve natural wonders by educating the public on conservation, activism, and growth management. On the national level, the club fights such menaces as pollution and habitat destruction. The Miami chapter looks after our desperately fragile Everglades, Biscayne National Park, and the Keys National Marine Sanctuary. This Monday, Joe Murphy, the club’s regional conservation organizer, is the guest for the monthly meeting. Not just gloom and doom, the gatherings are also a social focal point for members who arrange fun outings for underprivileged youth and themselves. Open to the public, the meeting begins at 7:00 p.m. at the Coral Gables Woman’s Club (1001 Ponce De Leon Blvd., Coral Gables). Admission is free, but donations are accepted. Call 305-667-7311. — By Margaret Griffis