Sandra Lee: Satan's spawn or hapless purveyor of crap television? We're not sure.
On one hand, this drunken Barbie could very well be the beginning of the end of civilization as we know it, with her semihomemade recipes, really bad background music, and drunken interludes.
On the other hand, Lee could just be the real face of middle American men and women who long to be as crafty as Martha Stewart, witty as Anthony Bourdain, and as talented as Bobby Flay, but sadly just wind up bleaching their hair and opening a can of soup.
As annoying as Sandra Lee is throughout the year, the holidays are a special time for her. It's only once a year that she can hot-glue candy to Styrofoam, add vodka to rum to bourbon to butterscotch schnaps, and break out the Hanukkah and Kwanzaa cakes. Because humiliation knows no religion.
10. Noel Cupcakes
OMG! It runs in the family. Not only is Lee a shameless whore for Betty Crocker, but also her little niece gets in on the act by demonstrating how you too can turn a perfectly good store-bought cupcake into an abysmal sack of excrement.
9. Santa's Sleigh Cocktail
8. Candy Tree
Wow! How f**king lazy do you have to be to pin Life Savers onto a piece of styrofoam and call it a decoration? We call it stupid. And dangerous. (Can you imagine a bunch of kids swallong the pins? We smell a lawsuit).
7. Candied Yam Souffle
Souffle? What would this peroxide princess of prepackaged crap know about souffles? Not much when the recipe calls for dumping a can of yams into a bowl, mashing them, and topping them with marshmallow fluff.
6. Sandra's Lush Lagoon
This Grinch-colored drink recipe calls for kiwi fruit, two shots of vodka, then one shot of vodka, then one shot of vodka, then one shot of melon liquor. Shake, drink, and wake up in Thailand with a face tattoo in a bathtub. Merry Grinchmas.
5. Aunt Sandy's Silent Night
4. Sandra Lee's Hanukkah Cake
Why should only Christians suffer? We love Sandra's recipe for Hanukkah cake, which is basically the same for all of her baked goods: Buy a premade cake and frost it with canned icing mixed with toxic food coloring. This time Sandy apparently was in her blue period, so she made a Hanukkah cake. We like her reminder that the plastic pearls at the bottom of this piece of dreck aren't edible. Not that the rest of the cake is either.
3. Chocolate Yule Log
You know those giant Swiss rolls? Well, take one, slather it in icing, and -- voila! -- chocolate yule log. In Sandy's World, icing is like the witness protection program for cake. Use it and forever change its original identity.
2. Sandra Lee's Holiday Cocktail Party
Giant nutcrackers, a booze-soaked hostess, and a tree decorated with empty bottles and used glasses. Need we say more?
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SHOW ME HOW
1. Kwanzaa Cake
Yes, friends. This is the infamous Kwanzaa cake. Watch how Lee sets back race relations about a hundred years as she puts pie filling and frosting on an angel food cake and sticks giant red, black, and green candles in the muck. By far her most epic fail to date.