Trying to Save Money? Lock Down Your Situationship.

Recently, my most prolific fuckboy friend told me that he’d done the unimaginable: He made it official with his longtime situationship. As a hopeless romantic, I was thrilled for him and excited about what that could mean for all the other poor souls who are stuck in relationship purgatory. Maybe the wishy-washy relationship tides were finally changing.

I asked him what had finally changed his mind, hoping for an epiphany about love and commitment, or, even more satisfying, acknowledgment that he’d been wrong to string along his now-girlfriend for an entire year with no commitment. Instead, his response was entirely practical: “Dating in Miami is too expensive.”

My friend made an interesting point. People can’t afford to live in this city anymore, much less entertain first dates in the most expensive dining market in the country. And it’s also unaffordable for whoever isn’t paying the bill.

Society still nudges men to take the lead for first dates in heterosexual relationships, but women aren’t showing up without skin in the game. In the wise words of the prophet Marcello Hernandez, when you ask a woman on a date, “She has to go through a week of torture. She has to pay for all these different people to do horrible things to her body.” He concludes that if men don’t want to pay for dinner, they should let their date know beforehand, so they can both show up with a mustache.

Affordability Is a Common Complaint for Miami Singles

My newly locked-down friend is far from alone in complaining about the local costs of dinner and drinks. On the r/Miami subreddit, on a post titled “The Do’s and Don’ts of Dating in Miami,” the most upvoted piece of advice was, “Do have money. The end.” (The second most popular was, “Alternatively, don’t be poor.”)

Is it a cynical take? Sure. But justifiably so. People are tired of going into debt for $100 plates of pasta and $22 martinis. (Even if you skip dinner, Miami has also been crowned the most expensive city in the country for cocktails.) 

One recent West Coast transplant complained on r/Miami that women expect to be taken on “proper dates,” rejecting his invitations to meet at local establishments like Dolores But You Can Call Me Lolita in Brickell. The post generated more than 600 comments, including this jaded piece of advice: “Tell her you got a Rez at Sexy Fish, give her a time, then don’t show up.” 

Not everyone needs to feel wined and dined, but even a casual night out can set you back in this town. Settling down (or up, as mindfulness coach Case Kenny more optimistically puts it) should, in theory, lead to fewer showy dinners, less prep, and fewer drinks afterward to see where things go — that is, if you’re choosing the right person. (Locking down your sugar baby is probably more expensive than maintaining a roster.)

The Maxed-Out Credit Card Theory

The early aughts gifted us Sex & The City’s Taxi Cab Theory, which argues that men, like New York City yellow cabs, get serious when their “light is on.” In other words, it’s not about perfect matches, fate, or chemistry — it all boils down to timing and readiness. 

In Miami, our equivalent could be the Maxed-Out Credit Card theory: When you hit your limit, you lock things down.

The affordability crisis could force exhausted singles out of the situationship gray zone. Of course, we should still keep the magic alive with our serious partners, but date night now and then is different from constantly searching for love or (casual) sex in a city seemingly full of options.