Rick Perry has dropped out of the race and returned to Racial Slur Hideaway, Herman Cain is now making unwanted advances on his housecats, Rick Santorum's last name is a synonym for booty juice, and Newt Gingrich is an angry, sexed-up troll with facial hemorrhoids.
Even with Newt's victory in South Carolina, the smart money is on Mitt Romney to win Florida's GOP primary, and the Republican nod. Which might be the worst result of all. Because careful analysis reveals Romney is the Mormon cyborg replication of George W. Bush. And say what you want about Barack Obama's lily liver -- even Karl Rove doesn't want to return to an America of WMD hysteria and half-digested pretzels. Here, then, are our carefully chosen reasons why Mitt Romney should not be allowed near the White House even on a group tour.
1. He's a sneaky little tax cretin. Romney has fought releasing his tax records, and has admitted to paying a 15 percent rate -- less than your average middle-class cubicle dweller. He hides his wealth offshore. He said his earnings from speakers' fees are "not very much," but it turns out he made $375,000 babbling last year.
2. He Mao'd the 2002 Olympics. Romney won't shut up about how he saved the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics from the grips of harrowing Juarez-esque corruption and mismanagement. But does anybody remember how creepy he was during those games? He put his despotic likeness on official pins, for Christ's sake.
3. His face is generic. It's the Chrysler Sebring rental car of faces. If we were him, we'd start a boxing career pronto just to give it some freakin' character. Also, his stupid white sideburns are clearly deliberate and make us retch.
4. His holy prophet was a rock-seeking schizophrenic con man. Mormonism's OG, Joseph Smith, was a self-proclaimed magician who charged three bucks to find minerals in people's back yards. Sounds a lot like Romney's oil-drilling plan.
5. He flip-flops on abortion.
He experienced a "conversion" on the issue of abortion as he prepared to run for president and has pissed off both pro-life and pro-choice camps with his policies and statements. Do you love fetuses or not, Mittens?
6. His sons are annoying robots. He has five dead-eyed, grinning progeny. The only one who didn't go into business or politics is a doctor. (Gasp! That involves science!) One of his sons is named Tagg. We suspect that a sixth son, who was into rock music and cigarettes, was ritually murdered by the family and buried behind their compound. 7. His supporters wave foam baseball mitts. The implication is that if you like baseball, you like Mitt Romney. The truth is the opposite: Baseball fans like beer, vintage T-shirts, and Pablo Sandoval.
8. His real first name is Willard. He should be selling stamps in a post office in the 1940s. Or he should be a large dog, or a hulking but harmless man-child in a village in Maine.
9. He's just the whitest man to ever live. Including the principal from Saved by the Bell.
10. He went to Café Versailles and couldn't drink Cuban coffee. He also can't have Beer Summits. Or Cigarette Showdowns. Vladimir Putin would laugh in this guy's face.
11. He's an empty cipher with no real identity. He was born in Detroit and has lived in New Hampshire, California, and Utah and governed Massachusetts. Shifty. Can't trust him.
12. He was in a pep club. That means he was a male cheerleader, just like Dubya. Scratch our earlier statement -- Putin would impale this guy with a whale harpoon.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
13. The horrid Diaz-Balart brothers endorse him. Our local Republican dynasty also endorses foot fungus. And McDonald's Filet-O-Fish sandwiches.
14. He did his Mormon mission in France. You're supposed to go to, like, Sarajevo and help load dead bodies onto trains while starving babies suckle at your nipples. Instead, Romney skipped out of Vietnam duty by working as a missionary in France, where he lived in a fancy palace. Ooh, baguettes. And mild rudeness. Sounds agonizing.
15. He's probably a big ol' racist. Romney has tried to distance himself from the racist beliefs of traditional Mormonism. But he was a missionary when his church was still teaching that God cursed black people with their skin color as a punishment for refusing to fight Lucifer. Also, did we mention his stupid face?