Miami Heat on Brink of Elimination After Farting Through Game 5

Fresh off a performance for the ages from Dwyane Wade in Monday night's Game 4 of the Eastern Conference semifinals versus the Toronto Raptors, Miami Heat fans went into Wednesday night's Game 5 all:

But after the Heat got slammed by the Raptors 99-91 and suddenly finds itself on the brink of elimination, Heat fans are all:

The Heat served up ass tacos on offense from the opening tip last night, allowing Toronto to build a 20-point lead that would oftentimes shrink, but never to the point where Miami could take over and make things interesting. This series has been a clinic on how to play basketball like old people have sex, and Game 5 was no different. 

The Raptors, who are known for collapsing late in games, saw their 20-point lead cut down to ten at the half, and the Heat was even able to get things within three points midway into the fourth. 

But, as has been the case for most of this series, when the Heat needed someone other than Wade to carry the offense, Miami came up woefully empty. With the Raptors on the ropes, the Heat needed someone to turn into the Human Torch and burn the Air Canada Centre down. Instead, the offense tried the "Can I light my farts on fire with a match?" trick and burned their pants instead. 

So the Raptors took advantage of Miami sucking more than Toronto and took a 3-2 series lead with a chance to close things out Friday in Miami.

This will mark the second time in as many series when the Heat must win Games 6 and 7 to advance. And no team has ever done that in the same season in the history of the NBA.
The Bad News:

- Kyle Lowry and DeMar DeRozan have been a big potato sack of old-man balls all series long — until Wednesday, that is, when they hung a combined 20-of-47 shooting and 59 combined points on the Heat's ass. This kind of performance was expected from Toronto's guards sometime this series. Which is further proof that the Game 2 meltdown by the Heat in a game they had every reason to win is the reason they suddenly find themselves with the proverbial car battery inside their assholes. 

- Luol Deng has obviously been abducted and replaced by aliens who suck at basketball, and now things have gone from suck to blow. Because not only has Deng morphed into the living embodiment of the poop emoji, but he's also nursing an unknown injury to his wrist after falling into a cameraman in Game 5. 

- Justise Winslow is a great young player, and his presence on the floor is invaluable. However, his offense is murdering the Heat in the face. Winslow had another abhorrent night offensively, going 3-for-8 for eight points. Much like the Charlotte Hornets did in the previous series, Toronto has realized that Winslow is not a guy they should worry about offensively. And that makes sense. When a guy is shooting the basketball like it's a beehive, defenses are gonna stop defending him and sending their guys to guard your D-Wades and Gorans instead.

- Joe Johnson remains a can of Heinz premium baked ass. He's been abysmal from three and has completely vanished from his role as guy not named Dwyane that should be scoring all of the points.  On Wednesday, Johnson scored 11 points on 5-for-flaming-bags-of-dicks-13 shooting. 

The Not-So-Bad News:

- So with the Heat's offense resembling a giant pile of ostrich shit and the team being one game away from elimination, is it time to run into the streets with our arms flailing in the air? Is it time to run through a plate-glass window? Is it time to head-butt an oncoming train?

No. Because this series, as awful to watch as it has been, is still winnable. 

Here's why: 

- The Heat still has D-Wade.
- The Heat has been pretty unbeatable at home.

- There's no way Miami's players get their dicks kicked in again by someone named Bismack Biyombo.

This will be especially true if Miami sticks to its small-ball lineup, where it goes without a center. This will take Biyombo out of the game and put the Heat in the driver's seat in dictating the pace of the game. Miami's small-ball lineup worked well Wednesday night and was a catalyst for chipping away at Toronto's big lead. If only Joe Johnson were something other than a can of baked ass.

- The Raptors may have lost DeMarre Carroll to a wrist injury.

- DeMar DeRozan is playing with an injured hand.

- Someone else other than Wade will step up. Like, for instance, Young Thirst himself, Josh Richardson, who started to get hot late in Game 5.  

The point is, the Raptors are still beatable and the series is still salvageable.

Sure, Miami has its work cut out for it after a pathetic performance Wednesday, but this series is far from over.

Times are shitty right now. But let's wait for things to fully play out before going to our local ExxonMobil station, dousing our pants in gasoline, and smoking a cigarette.


We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.