Dwyane Wade Defeated the Toronto Raptors All by Himself

All throughout Sunday and into Monday, Dwyane Wade had to deal with the yammering of a million whining gravy-on-French-fries-eating Canadians about how he supposedly disrespected their national anthem Saturday afternoon. So, Monday night, Wade proceeded to make things worse for those hosers by tearing out their collective heart through their collective asshole.

It took yet another overtime — thanks mostly to his teammates playing like a piping-hot bowl of refried ass — but Wade willed the Heat to a 94-87 Game 4 victory, evening up the Eastern Conference semifinals series with the Toronto Raptors at 2-2.

Wade, who has been de-nutting any and all who stand in his way since the first round of these playoffs, continued to lay waste to his enemies, scoring a combined 68 points in the last two games alone.

Wade is averaging 27.3 points per game and is hitting his shots more than 50 percent of the time while shooting thunderbolts from his dick 100 percent of the time since the first round.

He's denting faces on both defense and offense.

And while all the talk in the East has been about how LeBron's Cavaliers are blowing through the competition, LBJ's good pal D-Wade is plowing through fools all by himself with a seemingly less talented squad.

Yet for a good while Monday night, it looked as if the Raptors would get their vengeance for O Canada-gate and take a commanding 3-1 series by bludgeoning Miami to death with Terrence Ross and Corey Joseph. This was made especially painful given the fact that the rest of the Heat teammates were playing like someone had superglued their nutsacks to their thighs while they slept, shooting a combined 23-for-56 and forgetting what it’s like to hit a three-pointer.

The Raptors overcame a halftime deficit and took full advantage of Miami dragging its way through a third quarter that most advanced metrics would term “ass-water.”

Midway through the fourth, Miami was staring down the barrel of having to return to Toronto one game away from elimination, trailing 79-72 after Kyle Lowry made a flailing jumper that, of course, rattled in for him.

And once again, this fan base was thrust headlong into what scientists call “lemon booty.” Miami was facing not only the possibility of a quick postseason exit, but also that said exit would be delivered by Corey Joseph — a man who looks like every generic videogame basketball character ever. Even as the Heat turned the possibility of drinking from the gauntlet of victory into drinking from a jar of giraffe piss, the Raptors out-sucked Miami during some stretches. Kyle Lowry and DeMar DeRozen were a combined 6-for-23.

Yet the feeling of inevitability loomed, especially with Raptors players seemingly knocking down every three-pointer they heaved into the sky with wonton abandon. The Heat would lose back-to-back home games in the playoffs and get sent packing embarrassingly early, all while the franchise’s greatest icon sat on the bench with nine minutes remaining in the game.

But then said icon — one Dwyane Tyrone Wade Jr. — said screw this, bolted off the bench, flexed his nuts, and once again rescued the Heat from its own shittiness. Wade exploded with five straight points in the fourth, willing Miami back within two with less than a minute to play.

While the rest of the Heat players were heaving up ziplock bags filled with old-lady diarrhea at the rim, D-Wade used his uncanny ability to gash his way through defenses as a means with which to incinerate Toronto’s hopes and dreams of taking a 3-1 series lead. Wade slashed through the Toronto defense with such intensity that Raptors players began to jump into each other's arms to seek refuge.

And in the end, it was Wade putting up the game-tying shot with 12 seconds left in regulation to eventually force overtime.

But D-Wade wasn’t content with merely bludgeoning Toronto into submission with his ability to be pure basketball awesomeness. He wanted to ritualistically disembowel the entire nation of Canada and use the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique on DeMarre Carroll.

But as Wade began to run out of gas in overtime, his teammates finally picked up the slack and put the Heat ahead. Goran Dragic ignored the possibility of having his mouth lacerated by a Raptor elbow (only to have the foul called on him) and attacked the basket for an And-1. Luol Deng also went at the hoop with ferocity. The Heat was feeding off Dwyane Wade's awesomeness and was finally able to punt the Raptors into the Sun.

And even though Wade didn’t score through the first four-and-a-half minutes of OT, he waited until the absolute best time to switch to Blow Up Toronto's Asshole Mode by picking Terrence Ross' pocket and stealing the basketball after the Raptors inbounded it, dunking it to seal the win, and then getting a nice big victory hug from his mama.

"I was just trying to attack and be aggressive," Wade told reporters after the win. "I wanted to do what I could down the stretch."

Added Goran with his adorable Slovenian accent: "He was just D-Wade — it's normal. He's unbelievable. He was a big force. He makes plays in crucial moments."  

Throughout these playoffs, Dwyane Wade has reminded the likes of Charles Barkley and other naysayers that he is the ass-wrecking master of basketball and winning rings — the living embodiment of LIT. At 34 years of age, Wade represents the inevitable demise and destruction of all those who doubt him or try to keep him from scoring baskets. 

As for the "O Canada" fiasco, it's a good thing the Great White North has universal health care, for its sake.

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