Hope you're psyched for Opening Day, Miami! Your hometown Marlins are off to a roaring start. If by "roaring," you mean they're tied for the worst record in baseball, have scored just 14 runs in six games, and are so desperate for a first-baseman they held open auditions yesterday, that is.
Just in case the 13 people heading to Marlins Park tonight aren't properly full of rage, USA Today has dug up this fun factoid: That eyeball-scorching centerfield statue -- nicknamed the "Tremenda Mierda Fountain" by Riptide's fine readers -- cost more than almost everyone on the team's roster this year.
Team owner Jeffrey Loria spent $2.5 million to commission the fountain from pop artist Red Grooms.
On the Marlins' roster, only Ricky Nolasco ($11.5 million), Placido Polanco ($2.75 million), and Adeiny Hechavarria ($2.75 million) make more than the Tremenda Mierda cost.
Great investment! Then again, not even Mike Stanton can pinwheel dolphins around while vomiting water dozens of feet into the air (OR CAN HE?).
The Marlins have started the year 1-5, and all the well-publicized fears about how a team hitting either Polanco or Greg Dobbs in the clean-up spot could possibly score runs have been borne out by the early-season struggles. The team didn't score a run until its third game, and -- other than a seven-run outburst in its only win against the Mets -- hasn't topped three runs in a contest.
They'll try to turn that around against the Braves at 7:10 tonight.
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Feel free to purchase your own commemorative license plate for the occasion (via Billy Corben's Twitter)