Miami's seemingly never-ending saga of Jeffrey Loria, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb might finally be coming to a close. Loria owns the Miami Marlins, a taxpayer-funded rich-person welfare program that occasionally hosts baseball games. After buying the team in 2003 for roughly $150 million, the sports-team equivalent of cereal box tops, Loria proceeded to put next to zero money into the team, lie his way into getting Miami
Along the way, Loria has made himself so deeply unpopular that other Major League Baseball team owners have insulted him, which is no small
So, given the news that a "handshake deal" is reportedly in place to sell the team to an unnamed buyer, let us recount the reasons we won't miss having Loria around:
1. He and the county lied their asses off to get a new ballpark.
4. Like a true deadbeat dad, Loria promised the Marlins a new team plane that never materialized.
5. He kicked a lifelong fan out of a game for bringing an anti-Loria sign.
6. He refused to sell a season-ticket package to a fan because the guy resold too many of his old tickets.
7. He burned through 11 managers in 13 seasons.
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8. He effectively bought the Marlins for free in the first place despite being richer than Scrooge McDuck.
9. He told then-star Jose Reyes to buy a home in Miami two days before trading him.
10. He prevented fans from getting autographs during spring training and closed off cheap seats at the team's exhibition stadium.
11. And, of course, he refused to let Jeb Bush buy the team in the 2013 offseason.
To celebrate Miami's impending Loria exorcism, please treat yourself to this video of LeBron James nearly killing Loria on the sidelines of a Miami Heat game in 2012: