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Heat Take 3-2 Lead As Things Get Physical

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LeBron James and Dwyane Wade combined for 58 points and the Miami Heat shot a franchise-best 61 percent from the field as they blew out the Indiana Pacers 115-83 last night. The series now heads back to Indiana with Miami up 3-2.

But because this is the Miami Heat and because everyone needs a reason to shit all over anything good they do, the talk this morning is about how Udonis Haslem should be suspended for a borderline flagrant-2 and how Dexter Pittman should be shot in the dick with a nail gun for his crimes against humanity hard foul.

LeBron continued to be the destroyer of all things Pacers going all COBRADICK on their faces with a 30 point, 10 rebound performance (two assists shy of a triple-double). D-Wade added 28 while other players (FINALLY) got in on the action with 10 points from Haslem, and 11 rebounds from Mario Chalmers. Shane Battier was the Third Man this time around, playing tough physical defense, dropping 13 points and then explaining the systematic quandaries of the Hermetic Maxim as it pertains to the Riemann Hypothesis to his teammates.

It was a masterful performance by a team coming together and hitting their stride at just the right time.

But because everyone is a giant heaving asshole, let's all talk about how the Heat are thugs instead.

Things went south when the Pacers' Tyler Hansbrough swatted his big oafy white man arms down on to D-Wade's head, opening a cut over his right eye. Hansbrough was tagged with a flagrant-1 foul. Not long after that, Haslem went up and fouled Hansbrough in a similar manner, earning a flagrant-1 himself, because no one fucks with D-Wade and gets away without feeling the wrath of UD's awesomeness.

Now everyone is going apeshit saying Haslem should be suspended for Game 6 and have his nuts tapped with a tack hammer for good measure.

The major difference between the two fouls is that 1) Hansbrough was better at masking the fact that he didn't really go after the ball than Haslem. And 2) it's the Miami Heat, so fuck them.

Then, with 19 seconds remaining in the game, Heat backup center Dexter Pittman shoved a forearm into the Pacers' Lance Stephenson's throat. Pittman then was caught winking at his teammates just like the Nazis used to do!

The foul was supposedly a retaliation for when Stephenson made a "choke" sign towards LeBron James after he missed some key free throws in Game 3.

(At least no one can blame LeBron for this one ... shitdickballsass!!)

So, instead of talking about the ongoing adventures of LeBron and D-Wade's awesome feats of kickassery, the narrative is going to be dominated by how the Heat are thugs and how the entire team should be suspended.

Pittman is a pair of lumpy tits so it doesn't matter if the Heat lose him. Losing Haslem, however, would suck because they'd lose his rebounds and perimeter shooting. But here's to hoping the NBA doesn't suspend Haslem, not only because losing him would blow ass, but mainly because it's fun to watch the national media and the Heat Haters' faces melt off in ravenous, unquenchable anger.

Sure, what Pittman did is inexcusable and yes he should be suspended. But let's everybody unclench their assholes for a second and consider why the Heat have suddenly turned into a physical team.

- The Pacers came into the series basically announcing that they were going to be physical, and they have.

- The Pacers are not only fouling Wade and LeBron by grabbing them by the hands or elbows, but then have stepped up into both Wade and LeBron's faces to show the world they ain't intimidated. And then have talked about it to the media after every single game.

- The Pacers have been harping to the media throughout the series that they "won't back down" and that they're "not afraid of the Heat," basically creating a persona of a tough team that will push a "soft" Miami team around.

- The Pacers struck first. Hansbrough's foul was just as egregious as Haslem's, but because his hands actually touched the basketball, it's perceived as "not as bad."

- Haslem wouldn't have attempted to murder Hansbrough's face had Hansbrough not thrown his arms violently down on Wade's head.

- Maybe Lance Stephenson shouldn't be making choke signs at the other team's star player. No choke signs = no broken clavicles.

- Danny. Granger.

Both sides have been equally physical and violent. But because it's the Heat, well, we know the narrative by now. LEBRON JAMES IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE!

Never mind the game, where the actual assreaming was done by Cobradick and his partner in badassery, MV3.

Instead of crying about cheap fouls, the Pacers (and Haterz) should realize where the true pain is coming from.

Namely, this:

And this:

Also, this:

Game 5 is at Indiana on Thursday. Tipoff is at 8 p.m.

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