The Miami Heat went into Boston over the weekend and promptly took a giant shit all over their season, as they allowed the Undead Celtics to fight their way back into the Eastern Conference Finals and knot things up at two games apiece. Games 3 and 4 were near mirror images of each other as the Heat, who apparently had their defense and all their fucks lost by the airline, played awful defense while missing approximately 4,987 free throws.
So now the two rivals head back to Miami for what should have been the series closer for the Heat, but instead will be to see who will be one win away from the NBA Finals.
We've seen this Heat team all season. They obliterate the competition into a fine powder with their defense and fast break scoring ability one night (FLYING DEATH MACHINE, HOOOH!!!), and then fire a t-shirt cannon filled with dookie into our faces with awful defense and low percentage shots the next (DOOKIE CANNON, HOOOH!!!)
Part of it is Erik Spoelstra's mad scientist approach to the lineups that borders on crazy town. One night Udonis Haslem plays 40 minutes, the next 10 minutes. One night Mike Miller is waddling around the basketball court with his scrotum stapled to his inner thighs for 20 minutes, raining down threes and grabbing crucial rebounds, the next night he's playing 11 minutes.
Then there's Dwyane Wade, who continues to tell us he'll find a way to figure out Boston's double-teams, but instead continues to set bags of kittens on fire with his play, taking insane jump shots (or no shots at all), and then having a dissertation with the referee about how he should have been awarded a foul while the rest of his teammates are getting trampled on the other side of the court trying to play 4-on-5 defense.
And while LeBron James continues to be the only member of this team who brought his fucks, and continues to unleash the Cobradick on Boston's faces, he remains the one guy getting killed for the losses, which is fucking stupid.
Last night's game was the Jekyll and Hyde Heat we've seen all year. The first half, they were abysmal, allowing the Celtics to shoot roughly a billion percent from the floor, while allowing Boston to kill them in the paint. Yet in the second half, Miami held the Celtics to just 30 points, which allowed them to erase a 20-point deficit and force the game into overtime.
So while everyone is busy talking about the last play in regulation (LeBron hit a monster three pointer to force overtime, but then did that thing where he passed the ball to a teammate as time expired and oh my God he's the worst human person in the world!!!), and the last shot of the game (Wade's three-point attempt was mere inches away from dropping in and the conversation today would be very different), the real issue here is that Miami was one decent half away from taking a commanding 3-1 series lead.
They were also an abysmal no-call away from winning the game too.
But only Celtics fans are allowed to complain about officials, apparently.
Now, for the good news:
1. The Heat have been nearly unbeatable at home.
2. The defensive performance of last night's second half shouldn't be overlooked. Everyone on the Celtics (save for Rajon Rondo) looked gassed in the second half, and Miami was even able to slow Rondo down with, of all people, Norris Cole. Miami held the Celtics to just 28 points in regulation in the second half, and the outcome of this game could have been completely different had James not been screwed by that bogus sixth foul call at the beginning of OT.
3. No way D-Wade continues to play like shit. It's tough to believe that now, but basketball is a game of trends and Wade's trend is to dickpunch the competition when everyone counts him out.
4. Boston got all the calls at home. Game 5 is now in Miami, where the calls have been going the Heat's way.
5. Shane Battier and Mike Miller play better at home, as opposed to when they're on the road where they play like old people fuck.
6. Reports coming out this morning say that Chris Bosh is set to return for Game 5. DINO ROAR!!!!!
One last word: With Game 5 tomorrow night, it's important for those attending the basketball game to remember that you are, in fact, at a FUCKING BASKETBALL GAME.
We love to give Boston fans shit here. They are insufferable entitled dickholes every last one of them. But shit do they know how to energize their team at home. Those Beantown fuckfaces make noise, even during timeouts! Imagine that shit!
So let's address this again, HEAT FAN.
If you're going to fork over half a grand for lower bowl seats for Game 5, have the common fucking courtesy to shout and cheer and make noise. No one gives a good fuck that you're two seats away from Lil Wayne. Stop rattling your jewelry and cheer, Goddamit. Or give your seats up to the real fans who have to suffer the scorn from the likes of that shithole Charles Barkely, who calls Miami the worst fans, thanks to you. It's not a cocktail party. It's a basketball game. Act accordingly, or crash your gold plated hovercraft and die in a fire.
Okay that's it.
Game 5 is tomorrow night at 8:30. EIGHT THIRTY, SHITHEADS.
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