Hard Rock Stadium is set to be rockin' this weekend, with both home football teams hosting their season-defining moment less than 24 hours apart.
For the undefeated No. 6 Miami Hurricanes, it's a Saturday-night matchup under the lights with the putrid, down-right horrendous 21-point underdog 1-6 Florida State Seminoles. Then, on Sunday afternoon, the Miami Dolphins welcome back Tua Tagovailoa to face the Arizona Cardinals after a stint on Injured Reserve following another concussion.
The huge weekend at home for the Hurricanes and the Dolphins just ahead of the day set aside for paranormal activity and dead spirits has us spooked, knowing damn well both games will be played on questionable dirt that's proven to have an axe to grind with its inhabitants.
Ahead of this massive pre-Halloween football weekend at Hard Rock, we could use some advice on finally breaking the curse. So we consulted the next best thing to the spirits.
That would be artificial intelligence, AKA AI.
But before we discuss how fans might appease said spirits, let's quickly review the legend itself.
A Brief History of the Curse of the Tequesta
More than a decade ago, the legend of the Curse of the Tequesta was first popularized by [pauses to look it up] Miami New Times, which uncovered that the Dolphins' home field was built atop ancient burial grounds belonging to the Tequesta people, also referred to as "the First Miamians." In the following days, the story was covered by numerous national outlets, including the Washington Post and Deadspin [takes deep bow, followed by universal "aw, shucks" gesture].The intervening years have even seen the making of a documentary about how the construction of Joe Robbie Stadium (the venue now known as Hard Rock) in the 1980s unearthed artifacts and remains.
It's a thing.
The Dolphins last played in a Super Bowl in 1985 — just before moving to their new stadium. The Hurricanes, who ruled college football for decades, began their slow decline after relocating from the Orange Bowl to Hard Rock in 2008.
Coincidence? Fans aren't so sure, and the evidence continues to mount, year by year.
So, with this weekend bringing two huge games, each with the potential for undeniably disastrous outcomes — we feel it's incumbent upon us to try to stop it [see "deep bow" note above].
With that in mind, here are ChatGPT-generated action items for tailgating fans to check off prior to Saturday night's Hurricanes–Seminoles contest.
Dress the Part
With Halloween approaching next Thursday, many are having their costume parties this weekend. This may be our last chance to dress the part legally and in a non-creepy way, such as wearing a dolphin with ghost sheets or "haunted" Hurricanes jerseys.The Hurricanes and Dolphins may be playing at home, but it will never be home turf. It's time to bring sand to the cursed beach and show these spirits two can play this game. Respectfully, of course.
Acknowledge Its Existence
Engage and acknowledge the Tequesta spirits tied to the land where you grill stone crabs and delete beers this weekend. Whether holding a ceremony at your tailgate to honor the Indigenous ancestors or conducting a full-fledged cleansing ritual, let the land know you're sorry it had to be this way but to please not take it out on the Hurricanes College Football Playoff chances or to inflict further harm upon our poor, sweet, Tua Tagovailoa's brain, which has already suffered enough.Simply put: Acknowledge and apologize. We can't hide from this any longer.
Build a Shrine
AI alludes to paying your respects to the Tequesta tribe this weekend by building a shrine around your car.But let's not get too weird here. Maybe you stack some beer cans in a particular manner and say some words. Maybe you get fancy and place some food and liquor at the foot of a Halloween gravestone decoration you bring to the tailgate.
Whatever you do, do it nicely. Do not further anger the spirits with mockery and laughter. That is 99 percent guaranteed to end poorly. (This is us talking, BTW, not AI.)
Respect the Seminoles
ChatGPT explains how Miamians should respect all Indigenous heritage and traditions. While it didn't spell it out, we're taking what it's saying.Hurricanes fans thinking about mocking the Seminoles' tomahawk chop chant in the parking lot before the game may want to think again. Think of it as you disrespecting your mom in front of your girlfriend: She's taking notes on how you fly your true colors when no one's looking.
Don't poke the bear. Any bear. Just throw up your "U," explain it's a Canes thing, and keep the line moving.
