Historically, Memorial Day has been a time to honor fallen soldiers. Dating back to the end of the Civil War, it’s a solemn holiday where both civilians and war veterans gather for barbecues, parades, and vigils to pay their respects to American soldiers who died serving their country.
In Miami, however, we use our hard-earned freedom to shake our golden, oiled up asses and drink until our livers give out. Therefore, we now present to you the ten most debaucherous and gloriously disrespectful parties this upcoming Memorial Day weekend.
10. 2K Pool Party. 12 p.m. Saturday, May 28, at La Covacha, 10730 NW 25th St., Doral; 305-594-3717; lacovacha.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via eventbrite.com.
The 2K Pool Party will bring a taste of South Beach shenanigans to Doral. Featuring the talents of Miami rapper Zoey Dollaz as well as recording artists Lajan Slim, Trace, and B Smyth, the 2K Pool Party is offering free admission to any ladies who show up in a thong. So, yeah. It's going to be that kind of party.
9. Sunset Music Festival. Saturday, May 28, through Sunday, May 29, at Raymond James Stadium, 4201 N. Dale Mabry Hwy., Tampa; 813-350-6500; raymondjamesstadium.com. Tickets cost $109 to $274 plus fees via eventbrite.com.
Leave the city. No, seriously. Get out while you can. We know that some Miamians dread the traffic nightmares and long lines that come with Memorial Day weekend, so if you're itching for a tiny road trip, head to Sunset Music Festival, the two-day little brother to Miami’s Ultra Music Festival. This year, the Tampa-based event features the talents of the Chainsmokers, Hardwell, and Jack Ü. Miami’s LIV nightclub will be there with its Sky Loft and, we’re guessing, plenty of South Florida decadence.
8. R. Kelly. 8 p.m. Saturday, May 28, at the American Airlines Arena, 601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami; 786-777-1000; aaarena.com. Tickets cost $75 to $125 via ticketmaster.com.
R. Kelly, the Grammy-award winning R&B singer (with a disturbing slew of sex offenses leveled against him), brings his Buffet Tour to the American Airlines Arena on Saturday, May 28. For those ready to set aside the numerous counts of sex with minors he settled out of court (including allegedly marrying Aaliyah when she was 15), the 49-year-old crooner is sure to set the arena on fire with his hits, “Bump N’ Grind” and “I Believe I Can Fly.”
7. 103.5 The Beat Memorial Day Weekend Party. 2 p.m. Monday, May 30, at Brick House, 187 NW 28th St., Miami; 786-467-1205; facebook.com/BrickHouseMIA. Tickets cost $10 via eventbrite.com.
Aside from radio personalities, not much has been revealed about who exactly will attend the all-day party which runs from 2 p.m. to 9 p.m. at Wynwood's Brick House. Still, even if it’s just the DJs from the Beat family, that would still be a hell of a dance party and the last possible hurrah for people avoiding the inevitability of the impending work week.
6. Colombia vs. Haiti International Soccer Friendly. 5 p.m. Sunday, May 29, at Marlins Park, 501 Marlins Way, Miami; 305-480-1300; miami.marlins.mlb.com. Tickets cost $30 to $300 via miami.marlins.mlb.com.
With both the Miami Heat and the Florida Panthers out of the playoffs and the Marlins returning to losing form, there isn’t much sports excitement in the Magic City these days. However, some of football’s most exhilarating stars are coming to Marlins Park on Monday for a football friendly worth the price of admission. Russia 2018 World Cup hopefuls Colombia are a national pride packed with talent that features the likes of David Ospina of Arsenal and mighty no. 10, James Rodríguez of Real Madrid. The Haitian side is especially scrappy and could make their Colombian counterparts work. Plus, there will be beer.