Black Women Love Scandal, but Black Men Hate It

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke pontificates on TV’s most titillating program. Black women across America are jonesing for the return of Scandal, a…

Taco Bell Now Sells Jewelry

More and more people are willing to brand themselves with their favorite product’s logo — and pay for it. Iconic logos like Coca-Cola and Budweiser are available in wearables such as T-shirts, hats, and board shorts, which people happily purchase to showcase their favorite food or drink. Now that fad…

Lube Sour and Five Other Drinks for Drag Queens

Don’t be a drag, just be a queen … Or a male bartender dressed up as Miss Magnolia Thunderpussy, Ivanna Shaker, Roxy Rodriguez, and the rest of the fierce bitches at Blackbird Ordinary’s Speed Drag. Male bartenders from the Broken Shaker, Haven, and other local watering holes unleashed their inner…

Real Housewife Made Rosie O’Donnell Flee Star Island

Real Housewives of Miami cast member Lisa Hochstein and her husband Dr. Lenny “Boob God” Hochstien are currently in a war with preservations to tear down a historic Star Island mansion and build the party house of their dreams, but they’ve already deprived Star Island of another icon: Rosie O’Donnell…

Anthony Bourdain World Market: Authentic or Epcot?

Meet Anthony Bourdain. Chef, author, television host, comic book writer, publisher, professional Twitterer, and now food court mogul. Oh, yes, kiddies. Page Six of the New York Post has shared the exclusive scoop that Bourdain is planning on opening a food court spotlighting all the street food he’s been raving…

Chris Christie Gone in Florida. Rubio Rising.

Big news today is that New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie fulfilled everyone’s political expectations and killed his own candidacy for the Republican nomination for presidency in 2016. A top aide, it seems, pushed for “traffic problems” in the city of Fort Lee as retribution against a mayor who wouldn’t back…

Credit Miami Northwestern for Putting Education Above Football

Miami Northwestern Senior High Principal Wallace Aristide has done the unthinkable. He has turned the school into an academic institution that received its first A grade this year. Aristide has now fulfilled the vision of his predecessor, Charles Hankerson. Hankerson, you might recall, is the former principal who butted heads…

Reader Mail: Don’t Call the Conspiracy Cop Crazy

The Masked Man Dude is crazy: Obviously, Ericson Harrell, the police officer throwing a fit about getting arrested in a Guy Fawkes mask (“The Cop Behind the Mask,” Terrence McCoy, January 2), is having some sort of brain issue that is causing delusional thinking and mild schizophrenia and paranoia. Most…

Edible Anus: Chocolate for A-holes

Edible Anus via FacebookImagine the surprise when your boss opens this.Did you ever have to give a gift to someone who’s, well, a bit of an asshole? We’ve found the perfect present: Edible Anus! It’s exactly what you think it is. Fine Belgian chocolate in the shape of a butthole…

Pitbull and Ke$ha’s “Timber”: Why This Video Sucks

[Editor’s Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning scribe and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.] Right now, Pitbull’s “Timber,” featuring Ke$ha, is number two on Billboard and number one on my GTFOH chart. I don’t remember the first time I heard this song — it seems…

Miami Northwestern: From Football Scandal to “A” School

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke assesses the reformation of a once-failing school. Miami Northwestern Senior High Principal Wallace Aristide has done the unthinkable…

Miami’s Ten Most Hated Songs of 2013

It was the first weekend of 2014. Dudes in handlebar mustaches and bushy beards and ladies in beanies, combat boots, and plaid skirts crowded the back patio of Gramps. With a glass of Penicillin on one hand and a cigarette on the other, the (mainly) hipster crew in the Wynwood…

Seattle Woman Ate Only Starbucks All of 2013

Could you imagine getting all of your meals — breakfast, lunch, and dinner — from one eatery for an entire year? Well, Beautiful Existence (yes, her legal name) did just that. What restaurant did the Seattle woman choose? Starbucks, naturally. For each day in 2013, Existence ate all of her…

Louisville Destroyed Miami With Local Kids Who Used to Pick the U

At the Russell Athletic Bowl last weekend, Teddy Bridgewater and his University of Louisville teammates from Miami went on a riot. They looted the University of Miami football program they grew up rooting for and demolished it 36-9. Bridgewater and fellow Miamians Michaelee Harris, Eli Rodgers, John Miller, Charles Gaines,…

Reader Mail: Publix Isn’t Anti-Gay

Bully BS Not funny: I can’t figure out who the writer of your year-in-review piece (“The Year of the Bully,” Michael E. Miller, December 26) is trying harder to be: Dave Barry or Hunter S. Thompson. This is worse than the crap we used to crank out at my college…

NYE-Gone-Wild Stories From Miami

Oh, New Year’s Eve … A time for reminiscing about the victories and failures of the past year, celebrating the fresh arrival of a new one, and, if you’re anything like the party animals at the Vagabond, getting piss drunk. It was the last Friday of 2013 and the downtown…

Five New Year’s Resolutions for Miami Food

It’s that time of year again. You’re considering Crossfit and the Master Cleanse as part of your New Year’s resolution, and you’re certainly not alone. Miami’s food scene should be making promises, as well. The city could use a couple of things. Here are just five of ’em. See also:…