Fight Club Take it from a bouncer: As a former bouncer, I can tell you there is really no need to be a douchebag like the ones you wrote about at Dirty Blondes who are routinely beating up customers while the police look the other way (“Beat Down,” Terrence McCoy,…
We used to go to raves to break out of the ordinary, to lose ourselves in a dark room, rubbing against sweaty bodies. To meet strangers from strange lands, each character more colorful and absurd than the last. We’re not sure if it’s just that we’ve been doing it for…
TLC/Courtesy of VH1 [Editor’s Note: In his new column, Serrano Time, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times. Better put on your shoes because your socks are about to be blown off.] On Monday night, I watched the movie about TLC, the most important all-girl rap group…
Right now Nevin Shapiro is jumping off the walls in his cold, dark cell in federal lockup. The disgraced Ponzi schemer must be losing his mind. I wish I was a guard just so I could watch him cry his eyes out. He promised to tear down the University of…
Uncle Luke, the man whose booty shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke goes to bat for historically black colleges. The Grambling State University football team’s revolt is exposing an…
Bachelorette parties are more than strippers, penis cakes, and free tequila shots for the bridal party. They’re one last hurrah for the bride-to-be and an excuse for the rest of us single ladies to get blasted in hopes of meeting Mr. Right Now. And every bachelorette party, much like the…
It’s hard to be mad at a panda, but the past few days, people have been expressing outrage at the music video for Ark Music Factory’s song “Chinese Food.” The video, which features the song created by Ark’s cofounder Patrice Wilson, portrays 11-year-old singer Alison Gold frolicking with Wilson in…
Have you heard that Oreos are as addictive as cocaine? A new study from Connecticut College shows that laboratory rats found Oreos to be pretty delicious. The college’s research concluded that the cookies “activated more neurons in the rat brain’s pleasure center than drugs such as cocaine”, according to Time…
One of the world’s foremost conspiracy theorists doesn’t want people to get the wrong impression when they Google his name. “Mind Control: The Ultimate Terror”? Fine. “New (Reptilian) World Order”? Hey, he wrote that article. But calling him an “American loon”? That’s cause for a libel suit, according to Uri…
If you go to Dallas, Atlanta, New York, or any other major city, the TV reporters look like a zombified Walter Cronkite who just stumbled out of the cemetery. But Miami’s TV stations employ the hottest women in America to deliver the weather reports, news about traffic jams on I-95,…
Internet Fame Gone Wrong Only in Florida: Your profile of Loli-chan, the girl who became famous to internet pedophiles and now has trouble living as an adult (“Lonely Lolita,” Allie Conti, October 10) shows there are some sick and very awkward people in this world. I thought I had seen…
A lot of dubious honors have been bestowed upon Miami, but yesterday we received a new designation: having the worst restaurant in America. The Daily Meal, in compiling its annual list of 101 best restaurants, also named the worst eateries in the nation. The introduction states that the bottom dwellers…
Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke ranks the most beautiful women on local television news. If you go to Dallas, Atlanta, New York, or…
During its four years of bringing musical talent and drunken debauchery to the Magic City, Bardot has attracted some of the best indie, hip-hop, and electronic artists to its floor-level carpet stage. While the club has hosted national acts, including Florence Welch, Mayer Hawthorne, and Starfucker, it’s the local artists…
Oscar Hijuelos was decidedly not Cuban. And he was certainly not a Miamian. Yet the 62-year-old author, who died Saturday in Manhattan, cast perhaps a longer literary shadow over the Magic City than any other 20th Century man of letters, His Pulitzer Prize winning book, The Mambo Kings Play Songs…
Killed Over a Jet Ski Property over life: I’m writing to you in response to your article about Reynaldo Muñoz, who was shot and killed while stealing a WaveRunner (“Dead in the Water,” Michael E. Miller, October 3) and who you claim was denied justice by a bad detective and…
With absentee ballots in the mail and early voting beginning in two weeks for the City of Miami’s November elections, it’s important that residents in District 5, which includes Overtown, Brownsville, Little Haiti, and Liberty City, cast their ballots for Keon Hardemon. Last year, the 29-year-old attorney put his name…
Major confession. My absolute favorite writer is Stephen King. Not F. Scott Fitzgerald. Not James Joyce. Not even Ernest Hemingway. Ever since my guitar teacher placed The Shining in my hands when I was about 12, I have been obsessed with the author. And I know exactly why. Unlike other…
Say what you wanna say, but truth is Miami loves karaoke. Those who have yet to unleash their inner rock star know that the thought of stealing the spotlight in front of a group of drunken strangers has crossed their mind at one point or another. And those who’ve had…
Our mother always told us, “Girl, your problems are no more important that anyone else’s.” And maybe that’s true. But now that we have spent three episodes of the Real Housewives of Miami discussing Romain and Joanna’s bedroom issues, we’d sure like to swap issues with the super-pretty newlyweds. Would…
Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke endorses the man who will be Miami’s next District 5 commissioner. With absentee ballots being mailed and early…
It’s noon on a weekday. You’re running late. Alton Road traffic has sparked you to make wild, violent hand gestures. Suddenly, in the distance, you espy solar panels, pumpkins, and a Prius. It’s the smallest freaking Whole Foods in the entire world! (AKA the South Beach store.) You go inside…
