Homage to the Crappiest Corkscrew Ever Made

It was a dark and stormy night — it was dark, anyway – and, feeling the strain of a long week weighing heavily upon me, I thought I’d savor a bit of the neighborhood vintage (‘Septima,’ Normandy Supermarket, $3.99, and it’s good) before nodding off. Upon returning home with the…

Breaking News: Ethics Commission and Chief Timoney

The Miami Herald is reporting that the county’s ethics commission public advocate has found “probable cause” that Police Chief John Timoney failed to disclose the Lexus that he “borrowed” from a dealer earlier this year. (Timoney later bought the car, but only after Channel 4 and the police union outed…

Hialeah adopts Luis Posada, painter

Looks like Luis Posada Carriles’ art career is starting to take off. The 79-year-old Cuban may be better known for the terrorism he’s been accused of in rest of the world. But it’s the paintings (he specializes in landscapes) from his golden years that have grabbed the attention of the…

NASCAR Exists! Or, A Rocket Ship to Nowhere

I regard Nascar in the same way that lunatics consider Free Masonry: It’s everywhere. It generates millions of dollars and seems to hold a considerable sway over half the country’s hearts and minds. And yet, I hardly see it anywhere. I don’t know anybody who cares about Nascar. I’m only…

More Tales from the Aquasino

At 8:30, as the Aquasino gambling boat leaves the Miami Beach coastline, the high stakes gambling room begins to fill out. Seated at the bar next to me is Josephine Lane; “Josie,” according to her thin gold necklace. I have already burned through my drink ticket, which got me a…

Alex Daoud’s Election Day

It’s 11:30 a.m. on Election Day, and Alex Daoud pulls up to his precinct at Miami Beach’s 21st Street Recreation Center in a gray Chevy SUV. The only available parking space is a bus stop. “Oh jeez, this is horrible,” he frets. “If I were still mayor, I’d get a…

High Rollers on the High Seas

High Rollers on the High Seas Filed under: Flotsam From Miami Beach, the 228-foot Aquasino looks like a towering hotel with bright navy blue walls jutting from the water as if built onto a humongous concrete pylon. The gambling boat has embarked every night since August. I was supposed to…

Free Gambling

A criminal investigation into an alleged slots theft ring at Gulfstream Park Racing & Casino has led to the ousting of several employees, including the pari-mutuel’s vice president of gaming, according to sources. The Florida Department of Law Enforcement is looking into allegations that at least two lower-level employees were…

The Life and Death of Adrian Ellis

An aging Chevy Suburban rumbled into Homestead well after dark on a moonless September evening. Adrian “Casanova” Ellis sat at the wheel. He had just finished hauling two of his 15 children home to their mothers when he pulled into the parking lot of the Riverwalk Apartments and headed for…

John Beck Will Start

According to Armando Salguero, Cam Cameron is expected to announce today that John Beck will start against the Eagles on Sunday. As it is, I won’t have to stab Cam with a trident. Anyway, you all know I’ve been calling for this to happen since, like, Week 3. Better late…

Either Cam Cameron Is Retarded, or John Beck Sucks

Today’s the day. The day Cam Cameron is supposed to come out and announce that John Beck will be getting the start against Philly this weekend. We all see it coming right? I mean, after all, Cam was non-committal about naming Cleo Lemon as the starter for this week after…

Blessed by Ferrari

Photo by Marco Kornfeld View a slideshow from the 2007 South Florida International Auto Show I was going to visit the South Florida International Auto Show and write all about the green vehicles — the hybrids, the ethanol-powered cars, the fuel cell prototypes. All that went out the window when…

King Juan Carlos and Chavez do Trance

In a media where sound bites rule the headlines, the creative manipulators haven’t neglected the doozy of the weekend exchange between Spanish King Juan Carlos and Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez. The king’s “por qué no te callas” has been set to Reggaeton and ring tones. Floppy puppets have even acted…

The Party Crasher – The Hills’ Whitney Port Heads to Mansion

The Hills’ Whitney Port headed to Mansion Friday, November 9 for a girls’ night. In town for a weekend of South Beach debauchery, L.C.’s sidekick from MTV’s The Hills, Whitney Port, headed to Mansion for some after hours fun Friday night. The conventional and brainy Teen Vogue fashion contributor showed…

Gun-Toting Reporter Cleared on Charges

Jeffrey Weinsier, the local television reporter arrested for carrying a loaded gun onto school property, has been cleared of criminal wrong doing by the Miami-Dade State Attorney’s Office. Back on October 23, Miami-Dade public schools police charged Weinsier, 40, with armed trespass on school property, violation of carrying a concealed…

Restaurants Close: Evolution Debunked, Chispa De-Sparked

David Bouley’s Evolution closed its’ doors “indefinitely” this past Thursday evening. Sources have it that the Ritz-Carlton South Beach, which had leased the space, evicted the restaurant owners due to a back load of overdue rent payments. Some of Evolution’s purveyors and employees are left holding the bag, too. Mr…

Book Fair Wackiness

The Miami International Book Fair schedulers did a wonderful thing on Sunday: they arranged for School Superintendent Rudy Crew to read from his book, The Way to Save Our Schools, immediately before a panel of New Times writers convened in the same room to swear a lot and talk about…

The Miami Dolphins are on the Clock

Yep. We did it! The Miami Dolphins are now officially the worst team in the NFL. You just knew it. In the pit of your stomach. You knew the Fins were going to find a way to screw it up and give a game away that clearly should have been…

The Savant of Calle Ocho

As dominoes slid across other tables at the club off Calle Ocho, Gabriel Iglesias rested his elbows on his empty table ready to show off his skills. Mr. Iglesias, a 71-year-old, white-haired retiree in sneakers and khaki walking shorts, may not have had game this day, but he did have…

Reds, Whites, and Green

A trio of uniquely themed wine dinners are taking place in area restaurants this coming week. On Tuesday night, beginning at 6:30 p.m., Fleming’s Prime Steakhouse & Wine Bar hosts Red Rapture: The All-Red 90+ Wine Dinner. The event highlights five red wines from around the globe that have been…