It’s time to call it: Miami is a basketball town. No ifs, ands, or buts about it — it’s clear the Miami Heat is the darling of the Dade County sports world.

The good news is that on Sunday, the Miami Dolphins looked better than they have all season. They even had a lead at one point! The bad news is the Miami Dolphins have been so bad this season that getting quietly thumped by the San Diego Chargers 30-10 qualifies as progress.

Miami sports fans have some unfortunate recent experience with ranking near last. Between the Marlins losing 100 games, the Heat missing the playoffs, and the Dolphins doing their damnedest to ensure they don’t win a game again until next season, rooting on the local teams has been quite the chore lately.

Everyone is mad that the Miami Dolphins are bad. The fans are mad. The players are mad. And the national media, most flamboyantly, is mad.

If the NFL counted style points, the Dolphins might have earned themselves a few yesterday. Unfortunately, the NFL doesn’t keep track of how pretty you looked in a 31-6 loss, so the Dolphins are just your normal, everyday 0-3 after their latest loss to the Dallas Cowboys.

Honestly, we thought we would have stopped doing this by now. Tracking the Dolphins’ mission to #TankForTua seemed like a good idea when the season began, but we figured by now there would be more pressing matters to deal with and newsier news to discuss.

Since 1997, American Airlines has had naming rights of the arena where the Miami Heat plays basketball — a deal that has paid the airline back many times over as its name has been in front of thousands of cameras at Heat games for more than two decades. Come this time next year, though, naming rights could switch to a company that specializes in people getting laid on camera.

Following a 59-10 whooping at the hands of the Baltimore Ravens in the season opener, most Dolphins fans figured their team wouldn’t find much relief in a Week 2 matchup against the New England Patriots. Most assumed Tom Brady and the Pats’ offense…

Author’s note: The Miami Dolphins are obviously plotting to #TankForTua (University of Alabama quarterback Tua Tagovailoa) this season. We know it, they know it, the rest of the NFL knows it. Tagovailoa also knows it. Weekly in this space, we will document the most recent tanking attempt and peek at…

Life isn’t fair, but being a football fan in Miami right now is beyond unfair. Between the Hurricanes’ 0-2 start and the Dolphins’ purposely inserting their team into the toilet bowl just to watch it circle the drain (see: 59-10 ass-kicking in Week 1), 2019 promises to be one big wet fart sound if you were expecting either team to contend for anything at all.

You know when you stub your toe and there’s that split-second delay before your body reports back about the level of pain? Well, we all knew the Miami Dolphins were going to stub their toe against the Baltimore Ravens in the season opener Sunday, but it was so much worse than we could have imagined.

Welcome, welcome, Miami Dolphins fans, to your 2019 #TankForTua headquarters. You’ll find an open bar next to the doughnuts in the back of the room. Because the Dolphins have apparently decided to use this season as a preseason for next season.

There’s no sugar-coating things: The Miami Hurricanes’ loss to the Florida Gators in the season opener sucked. Losing the first game of the Manny Diaz era cuts deep, but falling to the Gators has a particular salt-in-the-wound aspect.

As if there were ever a doubt, the Miami Dolphins’ trade of Laremy Tunsil and Kenny Stills to the Houston Texans this past Saturday for two future first-round picks and a second-round pick cements the obvious: The team is in full-fledged tank mode.

Mercifully, Thursday night’s 16-13 preseason win against the New Orleans Saints was the Miami Dolphins’ final tuneup before the new-look squad kicks off the regular season against the Baltimore Ravens at Hard Rock Stadium September 8.

There are many types of Miami Dolphins fans in this world, but they all have one thing in common: an uncanny ability to withstand an absurd amount of annual disappointment while still signing up the following August to ask for more. Dolphins fans are like snowflakes: We’re all made of the same stuff, but none of us is exactly the same.

After the Miami Hurricanes’ mistake-riddled, opportunity-botched loss to the Florida Gators this past Saturday night, Canes fans might not be in the most chipper of moods today — especially the ones who made the drive to Orlando to watch UM piss away multiple opportunities for the win and head home with a 24-20 loss.

When the Miami Hurricanes face off against the Florida Gators Saturday night at 8 at Camping World Stadium in Orlando, the two teams will open not only their season but also the entire NCAA season. The game has been placed on a pedestal, all by itself, for the rest of the nation to watch.

Miami is a city where the famous come to (1) get more famous and (2) be seen. If they wanted alone time and privacy, they’d take a trip to a ranch in Iowa where their cell phone is nothing but a camera, and the ratio of elks to humans is four to one. It’s an accepted thing that if you’re even a C-list celebrity, visiting South Beach ensures you’ll end up on TMZ the next day.

Forget Tupac versus Biggie Smalls. Nate Diaz just reignited the West Coast/East Coast rivalry by calling out Miami-born fighter Jorge Masvidal. Now UFC president Dana White has no choice but to give the fans what they want — a good old-fashioned East-versus-West fistfight.

Usually, every year at training camp, there’s one off-the-radar player whom fans select as their annual diamond in the rough. We’re all guilty of hyping a newcomer who shines in the preseason but won’t be in the NFL in a few weeks. It’s a training camp tradition, really.

So you just moved to the Magic City — welcome to Miami and bienvenido a Miami! You’ve chosen wisely. Now make sure you fill your garage with bottled water, D batteries, and a week’s supply of Spam, and keep your gas tank full, because it’s hurricane season and we can’t guarantee you’ll have power next week.