Unless you were born with a platinum spoon in your mouth, chances are you’re feeling the effects of our crumbling job market. Pink slips are floating around like confetti, and salaries are falling like gas prices. In times like this, you can either cry or fly. Or you can go…

When organic food Shangri-la Whole Foods opened on South Beach, health nuts rejoiced. Finally it wouldn’t take a drive across the causeway to find a farmers’ market with pesticide-free apples. The Alton Road location is clearly more intimate than other sites, but what’s a little elbow rubbing when you can…

If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit next to us. We love to rank on unsuspecting passersby, chopping them to hilarious pieces with a slice of our silver tongue. Our mother used to slap our hand whenever we would indulge in naughty jokery, but no one can…

Some say South Beach is no place to catch a wave, but dudes in the know would beg to differ. Sure, it ain’t Waimea, but SoFi isn’t only the coolest place to live — it’s also the place where you’ll catch a wave that would make Matthew McConaughey throw his…

Hello, Kitty: I’ve been dating my girlfriend for more than a year, and lately she has been acting funny. In the beginning of our relationship, we would go out, talk all the time over the phone, and if we didn’t talk over the phone, we would text each other. But…

The first prick stings your skin. Hurting more than a typical shot from your MD, it might bring a tear to a virgin’s eye, but a seasoned pro knows the pain from a tattoo artist’s needle smarts way less than a stab from an angry lover’s butter knife. For some,…

Our mama always hoped we were the child prodigy in the family. She pushed us from dance classes to piano lessons to soccer practice, hoping one activity would help us escape a lifetime of mediocrity and push us into the star-spangled heights of greatness. We proved to be simply average…

Hello, Kitty: I am a 42-year-old man who has never been married or had kids, but I’m finally ready for both. The problem is that most of the bachelorettes around my age are either ugly, have kids, or aren’t able to get pregnant. I’ve been in contact with two women…

Once your alarm clock hums the arrival of Friday morning, eschew the Monday-to-Thursday routine of hitting the snooze button and let the sun’s rays wake you for work. We know your weekend actually started last night and gave you a hangover for breakfast, but if you can just make it…

Baroness Vladka decides that feeding her raging alcohol addiction is more important than delivering melodic arias to audiences night after night, so she turns to ingénue Gwendoline Josephine Bellevoix Bouvier to fill in the operatic blanks. Soon the senior diva resents the junior’s verve, the younger believes her turn in…

The song begins with the lone twang of an electric guitar pulling you toward the dance floor. Your two left feet scoff and think, So what? You can’t get me going with one stupid axe. Then the electric bass boom-de-booms its way into the groove, the drums tis-tis-tis, and a…

We and millions of other Americans vowed to slim down once the clock struck 2009, but this year, laziness and procrastination have a strange new bedfellow, and it kinda almost rhymes with robbery. You got it, the economy. And since we have millions of Americans to commiserate with, we’re forced…

Hello, Kitty: My girlfriend and I are lesbians with a wonderful sex life — or at least I thought we had one before last week, when she told me she wants to experiment with a dildo. We already play with feathers and blindfolding, but that’s about as far as we…

As a youth, you were content with spending December 31 watching the nuts in Times Square lose their shit as Dick Clark counted down the seconds until that big disco ball in the sky plummeted to Earth. Somewhere along the line, ringing in the New Year became synonymous with champagne…

Ask late-night couch potatoes what it means to Jaywalk, and if they watch Letterman, they’ll give you a boring answer about crossing the street at the appropriate time and place. But Leno-philes will tell you it’s the moment you completely forget who lives at the Vatican. Or what color the…

Maryland has the blue crab, an aggressive bugger that will throw a pinch at anything moving on land or sea. Getting them to stay in the pot long enough to send them to a steamy death is a task for a seasoned vet, but the mustardy guts and sweet meat…

You’ve surely heard about it, but call yourself too conservative to venture into SoBe’s most erotic cultural destination. And you’ve totally seen cheeky owner Naomi Wilzig’s Mona Lisa smile atop yellow taxicabs, yet failed to find out what the hell she’s smirking about. If you weren’t such a prude, you’d…

The glass doors opened to the sight of dozens of kids, teens, and tweens buzzing around the  lobby. I instinctively scanned the room for a bar, but remembered that it was daytime, that this afternoon was meant to be wholesome. So I settled for a sugar cone stuffed with smooth…

Those damn Ferrero Rocher commercials and the seasonal aisle at Walgreens alerted us to the fact that the season of jingle bells and fruitcakes arrived back in October, but thanks to the mixed messages we’re receiving, we don’t really know what Christmas means. Is the holiday about buying gifts, cooking…