Besides Coolio and probably the Amish after listening to “Amish Paradise,” who doesn’t love a good Weird Al Yankovic parody? Terrorists, that’s who. We have it on good authority that one of the reasons for America’s invasion of Iraq was Middle Easterners’ hatred of Weird Al’s timeless parodies such as…
When Steve Jobs sold his functioning liver to the Devil in exchange for the iPhone, his first thought probably wasn’t, “I bet someone will create apps that ease no-strings-attached sexual encounters.” Just kidding, he’s a savvy dude so I’m sure he knew right away people would use the device for…
Fighting, along with prostitution and alcohol consumption, can be considered among the oldest of human traditions. That makes us a terrible, just plain awful species. But so what? If anyone has a problem with that, we’ll beat the ever-living crap out of them and celebrate with booze and unregulated sins…
Considering our post lambasting horrendous female fashion trends, we figured evening out the playing field would do some good. Our Haterade® comes in both flavors, so making fun of dudes and their shitty choices is as easy as selling bottled water to people living in an industrialized nation with safe,…
Like Meatloaf’s willingness to do just about anything for love (except “that”), women are also inclined to partake in dumbassery for the sake of fashion. Men aren’t perfect either, don’t get us wrong, but you can’t compare wearing Ed Hardy to justifying the taxpayer money allocated to the fashion police…
Come one, come all to the event consisting of the only known method to circumvent drinking-and-driving laws. No, not really. If you want to get down with Beer Snob Bike Crawl IV, you’ll have to drink responsibly, bring a bike light, and obey all traffic laws. It starts Saturday at…
It’s time for Burning Man, folks. Burning Man is a weeklong annual hippie circle jerk, held in a Nevada desert, meant to promote “radical self-expression.” They also literally burn a wooden effigy.Yes, Burning Man has become the most popular spectacle of freedom and self-reliance in the United States. Freedom is…
Meteorological experts have called August “the month when hurricanes are almost as brutal as my divorce (as in when my wife tires of my fearmongering and drawing trajectory cones on her belly as we make love).” If a nasty, hard-core hurricane is going to strike, it’ll probably be this month. Katrina…
The Summer Olympics is the time when countries feverishly compete to see who comes in second place behind the United States in total medal count. From its modern origins in the late 19th century to today, it has become the world’s greatest spectacle of athletic competition. It comes complete with…
Shark Week is like the Black Friday of television programming. It comes around once per year and the people who don’t shut the fuck up about it on Facebook look completely insane to us normals. Women especially seem to love them some Shark Week. Go ahead and search through your…
The Miami Survival Guide is Cultist’s almanac of what makes Miami tick. Use it as a means to master your surroundings for use in the upcoming Palin presidential apocalypse or for getting punched in the face, whichever comes first.No one likes to lose. Losing is almost as awful and pathetic…
With San Diego’s Comic-Con at an end, it’s probably still OK to talk nerd shit. You may be thinking, “but Mr. Winters, you seem like the coolest maternal fornicator around, what could you possibly know about dweeb nonsense?” We’ll have you know I’m an O.G. (original geek) and used to…
Want to know which demographic most enjoys gift-wrapping toenail clippings in moist towelettes? There’s probably scientists right now securing grant money for just such a useless study. And consider this study reported by the New York Times in which two sociologists gave us a groundbreaking conclusion: Women are more likely…
The Miami Survival Guide is Cultist’s almanac on what makes Miami tick. Use this as a means to mastering your surroundings for use in the upcoming Palin presidency apocalypse, or for getting punched in the face, whichever comes first.Miami is as diverse as the bacterial cultures scraped off the genitals…
Art Walk reactions.Art is one of those subjective things pretentious people love to circlejerk around. Some of it is straightforward and simple to appreciate and understand. Like Piss Christ, for example. It’s just Christ submerged in piss. Simple. Elegant.Then you get the weird shit that you’ve gotta nod your head…
Pretend for a moment that Sarah Palin is elected president. Within mere moments, the United States will revert to total chaos the likes of which the Mad Max screenwriters would’ve traded two, maybe three kilos of coke for a glimpse of. And we’re fucking psyched. Not for Palin, no. We…
Every guy needs to take a solid brocation on a special broliday. Brolidays can be anything: bachelor party, team victory, or finally understanding why it is anyone gives a shit about the return of the McRib. A brocation is a vacation where dudes go some place to have some good,…
Superman goes by many titles: Man of Steel, Last Son of Krypton, and Illegal Alien. He arrived on Earth from another planet, like E.T. and Dennis Rodman, with the goal of helping mankind through the use of his incredible abilities. His non-American origin was discovered by Donald Trump after numerous…
On the cusp of his live performance at the Seminole Casino Hollywood tomorrow night, we were able to convince Gallagher to let us ask him some hard-hitting questions he would surely side-step. We wanted a phone interview so when we claim that homeboy just basically phoned in his responses we…
America has the highest number of undeserving celebrities per capita. If we had a nickel for every Wacka Flacka Flame or Those Guys Who Wrote That Song About Flying High and Ballin’, we wouldn’t need advertisers. Also, we would exchange those nickels to euros because our dollar is weak as…
Have you ever sat down and listened to your gramps talk for more than two minutes when he didn’t go off on a tangent about the price of milk in the old days and how nobody did “Mack the Knife” better than Bobby Darin? Have you ever done the same…
Selena Gomez is Justin Bieber Light. She’s one of those Disney alums you made bets over whether she’ll turn out looking hot like Hilary Duff or unfortunate like Raven-Symoné. (We’re sure Raven is nice on the inside or whatever, but the lack of a booming “Chicks Hot on the Inside!”…
