Last week, retired rapper and King of Diamonds strip club manager Ricky “Disco Rick” Taylor made it rain knowledge on the blogosphere’s gyrating ass in anticipation of the Super Bowl, which he predicted will be “the biggest weekend in strip club history in South Florida.” One of the Hypnotiq-soaked crumpled bills…
You see it every new year: South Florida’s morons resolve to turn over a new leaf. They promise they will keep their names and mug shots out of news articles with the phrases oddly enough or incredibly idiotic in the headlines. But now, during the third week in January, our…
Not sure if you heard, but the Super Bowl’s coming to Miami. Since the Dolphins didn’t make it, we care nothing about the on-field contest. Far more intriguing is the galaxy of debauchery that will be descending on our innocent city for the big weekend — including almost a thousand…
Recipe for paralyzed iguanas from Miami’s most resourceful homeless man
Last week’s freeze was not nice to Miami’s homeless contingent. The shelters were overflowing, and the Julia Tuttle Causeway sex offenders crowded around barrel fires and behind makeshift walls. But Harold, a burly 37-year-old Georgia-born transient who wears a Moses beard and huge circular eyeglasses, tends to find the silver…
Including an unprecedented surge of text message donations, people have now contributed more than $150 million to earthquake relief in Haiti, according to figures released yesterday by The Chronicle of Philanthropy. That’s five times the amount donated in the days immediately after the 2004 Asian tsunamis, and more than the…
If Riptide had been handing out trophies for 30 years of moronic behavior, Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson would have each filled three-car garages with our awards by now. Robertson is a TV beggar who looks like every Botox-addled evil old white man you ever met, and even though his dumb…
Sex machine Fidel Castro is now only 56 percent dead, experts fear
Cabbies tell Miami-Dade officials where to shove their SunPass transponders
For four years, taxi drivers protested to County officials that it was unlawful for them to be penalized for not having a SunPass transponder in their cabs. They got no response. With the new year, the cabbies convinced a lawyer to represent them– and now the County has finally taken…
Riptide has fondled the blonde and silky tufts of greatness. And today, Coconut Grove resident Justin Shaw’s arm hair is recognized as the longest in the world. Move over, Mark McGwire; it seems that there are still heroes amongst us after all. In September, we took a tape measure to…
Your pride at making the varsity squad notwithstanding, if you’re the type of person who might conceivably bust a cap in some fool’s ass over a dispute at the corner store, you should probably leave your high school letter jacket in the closet. You really can’t go wrong with a…
For four years, county enforcers have been ticketing cabbies who don’t have a SunPass toll transponder in their vehicle, citing it as a violation of code. The only problem with that, say cabbies, is no such law exists in Miami-Dade code. “The county, when it comes to cab drivers, doesn’t…
As always, there were plenty of undeniably idiotic contenders for this week’s title, a couple of whom might have even taken top honors on a different week. Take, for example, this Totally Cliche South Florida Medicare Scammer, who allegedly blew millions on exotic cars- who’s to say Ihosvany Marquez doesn’t deserve the…
On Monday, Riptide sent recently-published photos of Fidel Castro sitting in a hospital-style wheelchair thingy to a team of high-priced lab-coat-wearing experts. The experts fed the photos, along with a copy of a new book in which a “former official” named “Ramon” claims that Fidel slept with a Wilt-Chamberlain-shaming 35,000…
Delano hotel heist leaves Greek tycoon Achilles Vigopoulos out $24,000
Northwest Miami-Dade gunslingers shoot endangered wood storks for target practice
Two apparently related burglaries have police worried that a crime ring with really bad taste is preying on local shoe merchants. In the wee hours of December 30, five to six masked men in two cars crashed their way into the Foot Locker at 1076 Southwest 67th Avenue and made of…
The weirdest nook of Miami-Dade County is its unincorporated northwest corner — a rural tract where guajiros pummel each other at cowboy bars, black-market horse meat is in high demand, and burned cars and other refuse litter the streets as if in some Mad Max hellscape. Here’s yet another strange…
The ultra-posh Delano Hotel in Miami Beach, where your average room price exceeds $800 per night, had a disastrous Christmas. The morning of December 24, cops found the body of a giant washed up on the beach behind the hotel. They still haven’t identified the 6’9″, 335-pound corpse, and homicide…
Nothing like some uber-potent fresh-squeezed moronic behavior to make a hungover writer’s job easier. Last night Bow Wow — the crap-tastic rapper who insists he is no longer “Lil'” — flew into Miami, the nation’s undisputed celebrity-drunk-driving capitol, and drove his Lamborghini while trashed. With Chris Brown, whose very presence increases this…
Miami 2009: The seven signs are in place that the End Times are nigh
