South Florida’s hapless idiots are a tireless bunch. And since moronic behavior doesn’t take a week off for the holidays, we, your diligent Nimwit-Chasing I-Team, have to work overtime to keep up. We’re keeping it short this week, though — a shot glass full of Bacardi 151-strength moron-elixir to help…
Detroit has cars. Los Angeles has movies. Pittsburgh has steel. Miami has… reality show stars? Since the advent of reality, we’ve played the backdrop for some truly appaling television. Miamians who think they can dance have recently been ordered to file into the Adrienne Arsht Center on January 18. And now Extreme…
For a March cover story entitled “Pork Pirates”, New Times journeyed deep into the weird farmlands of Northwest Miami-Dade County to document the area’s rampant illegal slaughter industry. We watched an unlicensed butcher bust a cap in a hog’s head, met a farmer named Manuel Coto who claimed he had…
We’ve been hit with a cold front, and if you’re like Riptide, your office is about as cozy as a gulag right now. But that’s OK, because this week’s batch of morons has a MWQ (Moronic Wattage Quotient) powerful enough to heat a three-story building. Throw on a Christmas sweater…
This week’s New Times story “The Golf Porn Incident” is a saga of soiled throw pillows, butt-focused putting, smut for a buck- and some very angry, but equally tight-lipped, Fisher Island officials. Apparently, unwittingly renting your condo to a Bang Bros. porn film crew can go a long way in…
Raul Quintana skids his silver Mercedes C550 to a stop in the dirt parking lot outside the trailer housing the management offices of Fisher Island, one of the nation’s most expensive residential enclaves. Quintana’s salt-and-pepper hair is a mess, his green eyes flicker wildly, and spittle foams from the sides…
Homeless under Julia Tuttle try to pass for sex offenders
Updated: I received an awful lot of e-mails from interested people, but it looks like it will go to the first to contact me: Nelson from Urban Real Estate in the Warehouse Distrrict. Thanks for playing! For Art Basel, Brooklyn photographers James and Karla Murray brought to Miami an awesome…
For about two years, Daniel Zajac has lived in a tent tucked behind a big tree along the northern banks of the Julia Tuttle Causeway. “I can’t live in a shelter,” explains the jittery 47-year-old transient who wears a baseball cap reading “New York” and a William Taft mustache. “I’m…
Alex Daoud is one of those only-in-South-Florida characters — a big and boisterous former Miami Beach mayor who sparred with Muhammad Ali, spent 18 months in prison for bribery, and then wrote an unsparing book about it. Now film producer Philippe Martinez has bought the rights to his ’80s-era tell-all,…
Update: Jervon A. Smith wants the world to know that he wasn’t a pastor when he did all this creepy shit.We usually use this column to recklessly mock regional idiots who accidentally shoot their toes off or are busted for running pathetic Ponzi schemes. But this week, we’re issuing a…
Unless your studio nickname is Babyface or you wear shades with slats, the Grammys probably mean nothing to you. As a ego-massaging spectacle, the music industry’s award show is even more irritating than the Oscars. That being said, we think it’s pretty awesome that “I’m on a Boat” — the…
How unalienable is a man’s right to enjoy a delicious Frosty© without getting flattened by two and a half tons of AmericaMobile©? Apparently, pretty freakin’ alienable. This week, Riptide brought you the story of the French professor who claimed he was walking across a Miami Wendy’s parking lot when he…
At Florida Memorial University, surviving assaults is part of the curriculum
Miami Dade College professor claims a Hummer hit him; driver says he’s nuts
We’re beginning to feel sorry for the public relations department of Miami Gardens’ Florida Memorial University. As this week’s feature story on the violence-plagued school — think shootings, carjackings, home invasions, and a near-riot — went to print, the first reports of a fresh stabbing on campus began to trickle…
This past June 6, Miami Dade College French professor Bob Michel was walking across the Wendy’s parking lot on Biscayne Boulevard at 79th Street. “I hear this incredible screeching, and before I know it, this thing was on top of me,” he recalls. “All I saw was this big grille…
We get a lot of irate missives from readers complaining about everything — dirty politicians, bad drivers, mixed-race relationships, UFO abductions making them late for work — but Ms. Ruth Freeman’s recent howl against the sidewalks along a stretch of Lincoln Road stands out for its quality. Note how she keeps…
Devout fans of this column, please forgive us for not presenting any morons last week. You see, a deluge of moronic behavior cascaded through our newsroom, jammed our fax machines, and overloaded our circuit boards. We’ve mopped it all up just in time to narrow a football squad-sized crowd of…
Miami readies for another Michelle Spence-Jones acceptance speech
Miami transplant, part-time rapper/producer and full-time nonsensical screamer DJ Khaled is the master of extolling the virtues of shit most people find worthless and/or despicable. Such as his own musical prowess: who but DJ Khaled could scream, with great frequency and without irony, that DJ Khaled is “THE BEST”?So it’s…
Miami transplant, part-time rapper/producer and full-time nonsensical screamer DJ Khaled is the master of extolling the virtues of shit most people find worthless and/or despicable. Such as his own musical prowess: who but DJ Khaled could scream, with great frequency and without irony, that DJ Khaled is “THE BEST”? So…
