Counterculture has coddled some of us cynics with the lovely idea that Valentine's Day is just a corporate holiday mandated by Hallmark (which will totally order a hit on your ass, via Betty White with a Hello Kitty gat, if you don't buy one of their recordable storybooks STAT). But it still sucks being single on Valentine's Day. Even if it is on a Monday this year.
And it's especially hard to shake that day-long feeling -- bestowed upon us by the likes of Delilah, Nicholas Sparks, and almost every romantic comedy ever written -- that maybe, just maybe, your secret admirer (which you didn't even know you had!) will surprise you after years of pining for your affection with a mysterious yet oh-so-romantic token of their undying adoration, rekindling your zeal for sap, and leaving you with a feeling that today, on Valentine's Day of all days, you have finally found your soul mate.
But that never happens. And if it does, it only exists in a Hollywood storyline. So, here's 10 movies singles can watch on Valentine's Day that will make them happy that they're not in a relationship:
Although the Academy totally snubbed Mark Wahlberg in 1996 by not giving him the Best Actor EVER award for his role in Fear (rumor has it that soon after the Oscar nominees for that year were announced, Wahlberg beat himself in the chest repeatedly for hours) this movie teaches us a very important lesson: if you get fingered on a rollercoaster, someone will decapitate your dog.
Really, the title says it all. But
seriously, no matter how hot an affair may be (and Diane Lane and
Olivier Martinez were pretty freaking hot: check out below) , nothing's
worth going down via a snow globe.
3. Love and Other Drugs
No. This isn't a mistake. Remember Brokeback Mountain?
Regardless of what Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal's sexual
preferences may be in real life, can no one else see how the re-coupling
of these two actors is all kinds of wrong?
4. What's Love Got to Do With It?
Really? An explanation's needed?
5. Paranormal Activity
This movie teaches us a very important lesson; stick with someone who continuously does and urges you to do things you don't feel 100% comfortable doing and you'll get possessed by a demon. And it can totally happen. True life example below (brief note to viewers, never look in a demon's eyes):
This one teaches us that if you fall in love you'll get cheated on, lied to, beat by your significant other, and have to wear an ugly pink wig. It's enough to make anyone happy to be flying solo. And men will be especially happy to be watching this film alone when they get to see Natalie Portman's bare ass.
7. Rosemary's Baby
Uh, can we say worst husband ever?
Okay, maybe after Woody Allen. Housewife Rosemary Woodhouse (Mia Farrow)
and her struggling actor husband Guy (John Cassavetes) move into an
apartment in a building notorious for strange happenings. Guy quickly
becomes close to eccentric neighbors, Minnie and Roman, and soon after
starts getting acting gigs. Then Guy drugs Rosemary. Fast forward
through an old-people-orgy-and-devil-rape sequence that Rosemary is left
believing was nothing more than a bad dream, and she eventually finds
herself pregnant with Satan's spawn. It's enough to make you want to
become a nun. You may be alone, but try not to watch this one alone--it's scary.
If you're a normal, rational adult, ten seconds worth of Bella and Edward's never ending stare-fucking is enough to turn you off to love for an eternity. Well, unless you're a 13 year old girl...or a 49 year-old bakery clerk from Reading, Berkshire England...
9. William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet
What these two have to go through -- family drama, murder, cheesy early '90s MTV cinematography, funny lingo that's hard to understand --
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in order to get, like, a handful of hours together seems super tiring. Plus they both die. And really, who wants to die? Not you. So stay single!
10. The Good Girl
We couldn't write a post about movies to watch on Valentine's Day without mentioning something the queen of rom-coms, Jennifer Aniston, has been in. Aniston's character Justine has a pretty mundane life, plus she's married to John C. Riley. It's enough to make you want to Walk Hard out of your marriage. And things only get worse. She starts an affair with her much younger, Catcher in the Rye-obsessed co-worker, Holden (Jake Gyllenhaal). It gets messy, there's a robbery, an unwanted pregnancy, and, eventually a suicide. Not to mention Justine is blackmailed into having sex with a dude named Bubba.