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Though Juggalo parties are loaded with titties and soda pop, and their signature battle cry mating call, “Whoop! Whoop!,” would seemingly convey unabashed pride, it’s safe to assume that it ain’t easy being down with the clown.
Everyone loves to rag on Insane Clown Posse, and the unwashed youth that finds much existential justification in the brand and its impressively merchandised tangents. Even Crossfade has taken our shots.
But with the arrest of Juggalo inner circle dignitaries like Twiztid and Blaze (on a phony-baloney weed charge, no less), one can’t help but wonder if there is a latent conspiracy against these face-painted freaks who amass once a year to flop around in mud and hit the bong with Vanilla Ice.
After the jump, Crossfade exposes the five biggest haters behind the plot to destroy Juggalos.
Charlie Sheen: The Bitter Ex-Juggalo
Remember when plumes of freebased cocaine would flow forth from Charlie Sheen’s mouth like smoke from a monster truck’s exhaust pipe? What soon followed was a return to Middle America mediocrity. But who was he supposed to “entertain” after he’d alienated the Bob Evans demographic with all the prostitutes and zooted catch phrases? He headed straight for the Gathering of the Juggalos. In the grand Dark Carnival tradition of attacking featured guests (see 2010’s assault on cultural icon and philosopher Tila Tequila), Sheen was pelted with garbage, a likely motivation for his possible involvement in the recent Juggabust.
Anonymous: No, Not 4Chan; We Mean Whoever Has Tupac’s Sex Tape
There’s been a lot of anonymous blackmailing going on lately, what with Tupac’s sex tape and it’s accompanying unreleased million-dollar single. What if it’s the same person? Which brings us to either Suge Knight or Chris Bosh.
Bill Nye: The Science Guy
A wise man once asked, “Fucking magnets … How do they work?” and the entire non-Faygo-drinking human population responded, “Magnetism, you clown.” Maybe Bill Nye busted Twiztid for being so damn anti-science.
God: Yes, That God
Look, Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope: We know the Dark Carnival “was really about God the whole time.” But do you think God buys that shit? Everyone knows damn well that God is not a Juggalo. He’s a candy raver. And he’s coming for you, Ninja.
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