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Father’s Day is Sunday and you haven’t bought him anything, you ungrateful pud. Here are some items you can bid on as of Friday afternoon to thank the man who watched your mom give birth to you. They’re all within 50 miles of Miami, so you can run and pick it up instead of having to wait for FedEx to throw it in your shrubs.
1. Soviet gas mask: $39.99? To survive a chemical attack? It would be rude not to buy this for Pops. Just a heads-up: the brilliant anthropologist selling it says it “comes with instructions but its all in Russian so I cant read it… I dont know the age but am guessing early 70’s? I take this guess by the photos in the instructions as the male model using the mask looks like he is from the 70’s.” What could go wrong.
2. A throwing knife: Snag this specially weighted Arkansas toothpick for $19.75. Then get the hell out of the way.
3. An autographed photo of John Glenn: There’s not really a joke here; the guy was the first American to orbit the Earth and went back to space when he was 77. And he signed this picture. Almost makes me wish I had a kid with $150 bucks to spend.
4. A “FLORIDA: BASS CAPITAL” license plate: All you have to do is scratch off the ‘B’ and you’ve got a grade-A car accessory.
5. 1970s “space age” medical equipment: It’s a little more expensive than the other gifts, but who knows — $900 might be a steal for a Mini face machine, Galvoderm, Magic Mist V and “Infra-Red roller electrode.”
Get bidding! You never know when Dad’s going to need a blender with a wiener receptacle.
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