It’s in the Can

I can’t think of anything less romantic than getting pregnant in a restaurant bathroom. So I suppose I can cross Boris Becker off my list of potential valentines, though the love child that resulted from his restroom tryst no doubt will be glad to thank Cupid’s, er, arrow in the future when the gelt, a.k.a. child support, comes pouring in.

But as distasteful as I find the idea of making love where other people make do, plenty of folks disagree with me. Restaurant bathrooms, it seems, are the stuff of which fantasies (if not children) are made. So in honor of both Becker and Hallmark holidays, I polled some of our more adventurous diners and came up with a list of potential hot — and not-so-hot — spots for of-the-moment unions.

The following restaurants are now accepting reservations:

•”Norman’s bathroom is the prettiest. Plus it has a big counter, made of marble or something, and plenty of flower arrangements. I also like Suva. It’s bright and roomy and has a really big mirror.” — Dana Porter, owner of Creative Kinx Hair Studio

•”The bathroom in Red Square is the bomb. It’s not the normal one off the main dining room. There’s one by the entranceway that’s got the handicapped bars by the side of the toilets — which if you’re a guy can remind you of the fantasy of the woman in the gynecologist’s office.” — attorney, name withheld by request

•”When I was at Red Square, there [was] a handicap room down the front interior steps next to the pay phone that hardly no one knew was there. It was mostly used by the staff during service so as not to interfere with the customers in the very small restrooms off the dining room. It was a very large room that had piped-in music, dimmed lighting, and in one corner a very large oversize leather chair that could easily fit two. Many nights a [party] would disappear during service, and we would find out that one of the couples had found our little hideaway. One evening while making my rounds in the dining room, speaking with my clientele, I stopped at a table to ask how their meal was so far. The couple raved and said everything was excellent, even the dessert. As the bus boy had just cleared the plates from their entrées, I found that answer suspect. So I said, “But you haven’t had dessert yet.’ And the lady answered, “Oh yes, we did. We were the reason you could not get in the bathroom earlier, because we were in there having dessert!” — Frank Copestick, chef, Creative Concepts (and formerly executive chef of Red Square)

•”Big Pink, because for one, when you come off the beach you’re hot and horny. And you can lock the door and not be disturbed.” — Marvin Woods, formerly chef at Savannah and author of The New Low-Country Cooking

•”Soyka: wood paneling, great aroma, and classical music. The bathrooms at the Tides Hotel [are] serene and gorgeous. [And the] bathrooms at the Marlin Hotel, [because they’re] colorful and so noisy nobody will hear you scream.” — Dindy Yokel, president of DindyCoPR

•”The pictures that hang in the restroom at Osteria del Teatro are great. They’re of when Cristo did the islands. They make me feel really creative and inspired.” — Marc Edelstein, computer consultant

•”I’ve gotta go with The Abbey. It’s small but it’s got twice the volume of a telephone booth so you have some room to maneuver.” — Deepak Srikant, engineer

The following restaurants are now accepting mops and brooms:

•”San Loco has dirty, nasty bathrooms. Plus they’re little and right by the door.” — Dana Porter