Audio By Carbonatix
Despite popular misconception, it does occasionally get certifiably cold in Miami. Sure, not freezing, or even snow-producing, but it gets cold.
This, of course, happens rarely, even in wintertime, so when a cold front does hit, Miamians tend to lose their damn minds. Here are a few things that happen every time.
The Odd Habit of Complaining About It Being Cold in Miami and Then Apologizing for It on Social Media
Of course, Miamians like to complain on Twitter about how cold it is, but they know their northern friends will snap at them instantly, so they apologize ahead of time.
The Elusive Fur Vest Suddenly Appears in Droves
Despite it being a particularly impractical fashion choice, there are still some Miamians who decide their wardrobe needs dead animals. But a full-on fur coat is still overkill even during Miami’s coldest snaps, so they settle for the strange sartorial compromise of the fur vest.
And whenever it drops into the 60s, those fur vests come out in droves. Hey, everyone, look at me! I can afford to wear the pelts of fine rodents despite the fact there’s only like ten days out of the year when I can do so, and it’s not even a practical way to keep me warm. Yes, bathe in my aura of luxury and refinement!
Every Space Heater at Target Flies Off the Shelves
Hope the one from last year is still in working condition.
Cafecito No Longer Seems Like the Optimum Caffeine-Delivery System
Miamians suddenly flock to Starbucks and demand, “Please put the largest amount of steaming-hot liquid in a cup as you possibly can. It doesn’t matter what it is, just as long as there is a lot of it and it is very, very hot. Thank you.”
No One Dresses Temperature-Appropriate
No Miamian has ever been able to find the perfect comfort level when the weather dips below 70. They’re either caught clueless in a tank top or overdo it by breaking out the puffer jacket they bought five years ago for a ski trip.
They Devise Theories About How the Miami Cold Is Somehow Worse Than Real Cold
“But, like, bro, see, we have so much humidity in the air — that just makes it nippier! And the breeze coming off the Atlantic! It’s science, bro!”
Miamians Born in Colder Temperatures Suddenly Hold It Over Others
That one guy in the office who was born in Buffalo or Chicago waits for this moment all year, then wears short sleeves to work and taunts everyone else for complaining it’s cold.
“You think this is cold? This ain’t cold. When I was a baby, my mother used to make me sleep in the icebox during winter because it was the warmest place in the house. Now that’s cold!”
Yet Somehow People Still Attempt to Wear Flip-flops Outside
They think it’s OK to wear them just to run to the store and quickly learn that, no, it probably wasn’t OK.
Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.
