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Attention, Human Beings! We have some news that is cool, cool, cool. We’ve been worried that the critically adored, genre-defying, pop-culture-skewering show Community would never return from the purgatory of “indefinite hiatus” imposed by NBC last year. But on Friday, the network’s entertainment chairman Bob Greenblatt told reporters that Community will complete its third season — though a return date is unknown. Still, that means once again we’ll have Troy and Abed on our TVs.
Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie so that we could fast-forward to the new episodes. Instead, to tide you over, we at Cultist were forced to create new hijinks for our favorite study group. We may fall short of the brilliance of the Community writers’ room, but we figured at the very least it could help us “Pop! Pop!” some hilarity into our Greendale-less winter.
5. A Vampire Episode
Facing a new budgetary shortage at Greendale, Dean Pelton elects to
hold a fashion show on campus with a theme he believes will rake in
megabucks — vampires. Because of the success of the Twilight movies,
the dean calls for the Star-Burns-led sewing club to produce, show, and
sell a line of apparel that would look great on teenagers in Washington
State (which includes an incredibly gruesome outfit inspired by Bella
giving birth. Just use your imagination here). The study group obviously
gets roped in to model, and are all mandated to strut their stuff
covered head to toe with body glitter (because vampires sparkle in
light). In true Community fashion, for some reason both Jeff and Troy
appear topless.
4. A Greendale Caucus
It’s school election time! As the presidential
reign of South Park (which overwhelmingly won the last election) draws
to a close, the school decides that regular elections are so passé.
Instead, based on the buzz associated with Iowa’s version of
democracy, the school elects to hold a caucus. Annie, still fighting her
perfectionist tendencies, runs for the second consecutive year. Pierce,
still seeking love and popularity in all the wrong ways, decides to run
against her. Troy and Abed are asked to be the caucus leads for their
two friends, and their BFFitude is put to the test. Students once
again act apathetically, and Kickpuncher becomes elected as president
after Troy and Abed mend their ways and cast the only two votes.
Commence secret handshake!
3. The Human Beings Curling Championships
In an attempt to impress a hot
Canadian exchange student, Jeff starts a varsity curling team on campus.
The big championship against rival City College is right around the
corner, and the team’s best player, Magnitude, is sidelined because his arm
“Popped! Popped!” out of his socket. The team, with Jeff at its helm, has
to put together a trick play in order to wrest victory at the last
second. Unfortunately, the Flying V does not always work in curling.
Meanwhile, in the darkest timeline created earlier this season, another
paintball war breaks out on campus. But when someone replaces paintballs
with real bullets, terror rains from the sky.
2. The Greendale Breakfast Club
Pierce,
angry about the group not getting one of his jokes about Eartha Kitt,
locks Jeff, Troy, Abed, Shirley, and Annie in the study room. The gang reacts in classic 1980s John Hughes style, with
Abed as the brain, Troy as the athlete, Annie as the princess, Shirley
as the basket case and Jeff as the misunderstood rebel. In a related B-plot, Britta
reads an article about the dangers of cell phone usage and has stolen
all mobile devices from the study group, which prevents them from
calling for help. Luckily, still-on-the-loose monkey Annie’s Boobs
snatches the keys from a slumbering Pierce and sets them free.
1. The Super-Meta Network Slam
Dean
Pelton undergoes a traumatic brain injury and decides to put all
Greendale classes on an indefinite hiatus. He then allows this year’s
classes to resume, but doesn’t tell the students when. But as his brain
tissues begin to heal themselves — and through the power of love and a
realization that genius had been STARING HIM IN THE FACE EVERY THURSDAY
AT 8 PM — the dean not only reinstates all classes, but assures that
lessons will last for three more years. We at Cultist call this episode
“Hashtag Six Seasons And A Movie.”
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