Britney Spears Wants to Teach? Five Other Ludicrous Back-Up Careers for Celebrities

With Britney Spears’s recent revelation that she would want to be a teacher “specializing in history and reading” if she couldn’t sing, we were intrigued enough to ponder what lives our favorite and not-so-favorite celebrities would live out in an alternate universe.

From the depths of fast food management to the heights of political power, here are a few career paths the stars can always fall back on.

5. Gwyneth Paltrow – Lifeguard

After we discovered that Gwyneth Paltrow saved a life on 9/11 by nearly

running over a pedestrian, we couldn’t help but feel a little jealous.

Why shouldn’t each of us get our own “Sliding Doors moment”? If Gwyneth

decided to become a lifeguard, we’d all get to share a little in the

Paltrow life-saving magic. Imagine the relief you would feel as, right

before you sink into the water, you see an Oscar winner paddling out to

save you.

4. Nancy Grace – Kids’ soccer coach

We all know she cares about children and we all know she likes to give

orders, so how about giving our favorite legal analyst entry into the

high-stakes, high-pressure world of little league soccer? Referees would

be advised not to make any bad calls–she tends not to let those go.

3. James Cameron – Fast food manager

With his demanding nature and notorious perfectionism, James Cameron

simply belongs in the fast food industry, where money, flash, and

limited risk-taking rule all–an addition of yet another meat patty to a

burger sounds just as original as the plot to Avatar. But with Jim

breathing down your neck, prepare to be berated for giving a customer

too many sauce packets.

2. Jennifer Aniston – Motivational speaker

The media loves to pick on Jennifer Aniston–they’ve been treating her as

a woman on the cusp of becoming a cat lady ever since her divorce from

Brad Pitt. Jennifer could easily channel all that negative energy

through some self-help seminars about dealing with seeing your ex on the

cover of every magazine in America.

1. Oprah Winfrey – Congress

Face it: we already do whatever Oprah tells us to do. So what better way

to give Oprah more control of our lives than have the talk-show queen

fill in for the combined 535 members of the Senate and House of

Representatives? Partisan gridlock would become a thing of the past as

Congress unanimously passes resolution after resolution demanding us to

remember our spirit.

–Mike Hicks

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.