In 1992 I fell in love con una jevita named Donita. She was a beautiful gringita with purple hair and no culo, who liked to play guitar and sing about shit I had little understanding about mostly because, at the time, I only had ESOL Level 2. Here's a picture...
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"Also posing a medical concern to the zoo: the status of Maude, an Asian elephant unable to move her bowels." -- an actual sentence in a Miami Herald story that comes with the partial headlines "elephant severely constipated."...
Miami New Times' Mastermind Awards honors the city's most inspiring creatives. This year, we received more than 100 submissions, which our staff narrowed to an elite group of 30. We'll be profiling those honorable mentions, and eventually the finalists, in the weeks to come. This year's three Mastermind Award winners...
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Luke’s Best Columns of 2013
Sure, there's a fair amount of Art Basel events this week that seem better suited for New York Fashion Week. But while some argue that these grandiose fashion parties are not exactly art-related (cough, cough New York Times), even the most artistically astute know that fashion is, in fact, art...
Porter Fisher, the former Biogenesis employee who provided documents to Miami New Times to help blow open the massive Major League Basbeball PED scandal, stored boxes of documents related to the case in the trunk of his Toyota Camry. This past March, while Fisher was getting a spray tan in...
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Have you tried miracle fruit? The small red berry, native to West Africa, contains a protein called miraculin, which binds with our taste buds and, when introduced to acids, makes sour taste sweet. Called "LSD for your mouth," the fruit creates a result that's supposed to be strange. There's a...
It was the game before the game last night. It was sandwiched between LeBron's old team and the Heat's biggest threat in the East. It was the 117-94 Heat win Monday night game against the Jazz, because people had already bought tickets, and it was mandatory...
Jason Beckman is currently on trial for the shocking 2009 murder of his father Jay Beckman, a South Miami commissioner. Testimony from one of a Beckman's fellow inmates provides a bizarre motive for the slaying. The younger Beckman apparently snapped after his father made a joke about actress Megan Fox...
Miami Beach cop Reinaldo Casas really wants his job back. He wants it back so badly he's willing to admit he was once an aficionado of the most embarrassing product ever. Sexual aid cream. On February 27, the Miami Beach Police Department fired Casas -- who's been reprimanded for making...
A lurching crawl through the moldering, candlelit passages of a pre-hygiene medieval meta-Europe, this new version of the Germanic legend from Russian cine-volcano Alexander Sokurov may be the freakiest gloss this deal-with-the-devil story's ever gotten, down to the ghost-zombies and Icelandic geysers. Mostly shot in the oldest, filthiest castle alleys...
Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke looks back on 2013's best hits. A lot of folks get upset over the things I write, but...
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Yesterday, New Times broke the story about allegations from homeless individuals throughout downtown Miami who say city workers have harassed them andd stolen their property. Over the course of several months, people have claimed workers from the Miami Homeless Assistance Program (MHAP) -- often called "green shirts" because of their...
Two Miami residents have filed a lawsuit against Anheuser-Busch claiming false advertisement. Lady J. Suarez and Gustavo E. Oliva say that the mega-brewery has violated the Florida Deceptive and Unfair Trade Practices Act. The lawsuit, filed last month, claims A-B's Kirin beer is deceptively advertised as being imported from Japan...
Beatriz Monteavaro's enigmatic work is not exactly primitive stuff. These aren't works you'd expect to find on a caveman's wall. Instead, the Miami artist's early inspirations stemmed from sources as disparate as horror movies, 1980s British subcultures, and America's fading theme parks. Her haunting creations are on view in Monteavaro's...
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India + Amsterdam = Seduction
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They Might Be Giants
May the geeks happily invade Miami, because for the first time ever, there's a science fiction film festival happening in our midst come January 2014. A few years back, two work buddies who shared a common interest in science fiction set out to create a movie. That little movie was...
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What to Do With an Emu Egg
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Billy Corben, Sandwich Man
Shortly after Charlie Crist announced he'd be running for governor as a Democrat on Monday, word came that he'd be doing his first big cable news interview as a candidate on MSNBC's Hardball with Chris Matthews. Crist was likely hoping this would be a chance to raise his national profile...
The exhibit "Capture the Moment: The Pulitzer Prize Photographs," which opened last week at the Frost Art Museum, was two decades in the making. The idea began with Cyma Rubin, a Tony Award-winning producer, writer, and director. Rubin came up with the idea when she was working in Japan as...