There have been a lot of signs of the apocalypse lately. Earthquake in Haiti, tsunami in Japan, the Donald runs for prez. But this week's hint at impending global doom comes courtesy of Changsha, China, where several people bought a bunch of pork, left it in their kitchens, and woke up to find it mysteriously glowing bright blue, according to the Wall Street Journal. And an English translation of the Shanghai Daily (which includes some crazy-ass pictures of the meat) states the likely culprit is phosphorescent bacteria. But the city's health department has declared the mutant Avatar meat "still safe to consume after cooking and heating."
As if that weren't apocalyptically disturbing enough, 47 percent of all beef, pork, and poultry in the United States is likely tainted with a different bacteria, Staphylococcus aureus. This was determined by a recent study that used samples of meat from supermarkets across the country. Thanks to all the antibiotics already pumped into commercial meat, this strain has become drug-resistant and is linked to all kinds of health problems including "potentially fatal illnesses," according to the study. And though that meat has also been determined safe to eat after cooking at a proper temperature, there can still be cross-contamination via hands, cutting boards, and knives.
So maybe we should get used to the idea of phosphorescent blue meat, because it doesn't appear our country is that far from the possibility. Really, glow-in-the-dark pork could be quite useful:
1. It would make finding the caja china in the dark during Noche Buena way easier. Plus it could serve as an awesome centerpiece to match that glowing San Lazaro statue in your front yard.
2. It's some crazy, trippy shit nobody in his right mind would eat. In other words, delicious stoner food.
3. It's the ultimate hurricane survival kit: food and a flashlight.
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4. You could sell it to Lady Gaga so she could make a meat dress, fashion it into a pork embryo in which to house herself, or so that she could simply throw giant slabs of it at a bunch of little monsters while sliding down a rainbow on a unicorn.
5. When have you not been raving for 12 hours straight at Ultra and thought, Damn, I wish this glowstick was a piece of bacon that I could eat right now?
Also, yes, glow-in-the-dark pork is unmistakably a sign of the end times.